Razor Sharp Wit

2005-03-13T12:49:00.000+11:00

Sorry. I just can't seem to be arsed. Might change at a future date.

2005-03-01T13:32:00.000+11:00

A blogmeet, and a new blog.

Okay, so Saturday night was a bit of a blast. I cruised into town with my friend in tow, the lovely Tingle, and after a quiet dinner by the lake we grabbed a 'small bottle of wine' and went and saw Mel, who proceeded to show us her amazing Cadbury Girl impersonation and giving the National Smoking Champion 2004-2005 a run for her money.

After a long wait in the McDonalds drive thru queue (during which the two girls left and had a smoke-off leaving yours truly to handle the hunting and gathering) we headed to the Wig and Pen in Canberra City. After discovering some of the wonderful beers they have there (bloody hell, I used to work around the corner, why didn't I notice before) in trooped a crew of the bloggers that had been enjoying dinner at a restaurant around the corner. I had only met one previously, being Teej the statuesque blogging queen. But I got the chance to meet some of Canberra's finest writers, some of whom I had not had the pleasure of their blogs, and some of whom I had been reading for a year or more.

Was great to finally meet Dean, Nick, and Mark, whose sites I had read for a while now. New sites (to me) and ones that I'll be paying more attention to in the future were run by Zoe and Steev whose conversations I enjoyed immensely. A hello to Steev's friend Steve too, who was bloody interesting! I know there were others there that I didn't get around to saying hello to but I'd like to meet next time. For reference, I was the guy with the Initech shirt on.

The best thing to come out of the blogmeet was to finally convince my good friend Coll to fire up her own blog site. New members always welcome, especially if they can write as well as her. She's one of the most interesting people I have ever met and I hope she takes to blogging like a duck to water. Her new site, Tooth Plaque Conspiracy, is already showing promise. And is already showing more comments than the trusty old Razor Sharp Wit. Which reminds me, that's why Steev and Mel were doing a (bloody good) version of the Sunrise crew, because that's the level of 'wit' my site has been boasting lately, and I mentioned that to Steev.

Anyhow, head over to Coll's place and if you tell her I sent you, you'll get 10 bonus Collpoints (TM) to save towards a great set of steak knives*. 50 bonus points if you can figure out the obscure but bloody funny reference of the name of her site*.

* Actual offer may not exist

2005-02-26T13:00:00.000+11:00

Meet up.

As a bit of a last minute thing, I've decided to put all money/work/shy issues aside and go make the trip into Canberra for the 2005 Canberra Bloggers Meet. Or something like that. There are a lot of people whose blogs I read regularly and I would love to meet, and that really swung my decision pendulum to the YES side. Also joining me in my trip to Canberra is my good friend Tingle, who is always up for a few too many drinks in a publike setting. Nice to share the drive with a friend!

Am also looking forward very much to seeing my old friend Melly, who I've missed while being out here in self-imposed exile. She's tops! Ace wicked tops!

Anyone out there who reads my blog, and reads anyone elses blog in Canberra, is welcome to come along and say hi. A lot of people will be there, I'm guessing.

The one blogger I've always wanted to meet, the one blogger who can write like a demon, the one blogger who is the only one who has made me actually physically cry when I've read their blog, I doubt will be there. I will have to leave that for another day.

2005-02-16T12:44:00.000+11:00

Memories of an old man.

"His Spitfire continued in a near vertical dive at almost full throttle. I pulled out just in time to avoid striking terra firma a glancing blow, but Johnny didn't. His Spitfire exploded on impact with the ground and went on to form a very large crater. They dug Johnny out from under thirty feet of earth, or rather what was left of him which wasn't very much, placed his remains in a jampot, put it in a coffin and weighted the coffin with sandbags. Whereupon his parents arrived, having received the fatality signal, and requested that they be allowed a last look at their son. Fortunately, the officer in charge of the funeral tactfully pointed out that as the 'body' had had to be driven from A to B, it would be a rather unpleasant experience for them to see it in that condition. All they would have seen, in fact, was a jampot surrounded by sandbags."

- Battle For Britain - Wing Commander H. R. Allen DFC

2005-02-14T19:57:00.000+11:00

I think.

Fuck it's hot today. Not too hot, but hot enough. I think I'll take my shirt off. Though that probably won't help. It would help if I lost weight. Maybe I should go on that low carb thing again. Seemed to work last time. Really do it this time, no more excuses. I'd be happier if I was thinner, I just know it. I should do some work. I can't put it off any longer. There are people relying on me. I don't know why I put things off. I know it is easier just to get them out of the way. If I leave it it will become a mountain. But I will leave it, I just know it. Maybe I should do a half assed job instead. I don't know how I keep up the pretence of being good at anything. I suck at everything. People are idiots. They believe what they want to believe. I believe what I want to believe. I should stick to watching TV and playing computer games. Nobody relies on me when I watch TV and play computer games. Why talk to anyone at all? They think I'm an idiot. They always think that, always, always. I'd like to get really really famous and laugh in their faces and not give them a cent of money ever. Yeah, thats what I'll do. I'll get really famous. That'll teach them, every last one of them that thought I was an idiot. They all think I'm an idiot. When I'm famous they'll regret it. They'll say they are sorry but I won't care because I will be famous. How should I become famous? I'll write something. Yeah. Something creative. I should start right this instant. If I started now, I'd be famous in a couple of weeks. I'll start now, and it will all be downhill, all the rest of my life, all gravy. But it's too hot today. I'll start tomorrow. Unless it's too hot tomorrow, then I'll be too hot to be creative. But I'm sure I could be creative the day after that. Maybe I should lose some weight first. That's a better idea. Lose some weight first, then be creative. One thing at a time. I should go on that low carb thing, really do it this time. And stop drinking. Yeah. People will respect me more. Yeah. I'll start losing weight right now. But it's a bit hot today.

2005-02-13T20:40:00.000+11:00

Bad sitcoms.

Larry Appleton: Was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
Balki Bartokomous: Are you asking did - did I see *steam* rising from his head or did I see *you* rising from his head?
Larry Appleton: I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
Balki Bartokomous: Okay... Okay, are you asking was it *me* who saw steam rising from his head or was it *you* who saw steam rising from his head?
Larry Appleton: I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head?
Balki Bartokomous: [pause] Yes. Now, I have one for you - Was it me... or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark sliding down her cheek?
Larry Appleton: It was you. It was definitely you sliding down her cheek.

2005-02-10T13:38:00.000+11:00

Heard recently:

WARNING: A scam is being pulled on male motorists. What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young busty nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this: They got me 9 times Friday and 7 times Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

2005-02-02T13:06:00.000+11:00

"Every girl should feel this pretty!"

I've been spending a lot of time with a friend who has a couple of cute little girls. One of them has developed an interest in makeup, and her latest thing is to pounce on me when I'm there and 'make me over'. It's a new thing to hear a 12 year old tell you to 'shave next time, the foundation doesn't sit very well'. The last time this happened, she did a sterling job with a nice dark eyeshadow, mascara and a lovely plum lipstick. I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful I felt. I was under strict instructions not to wash it off straight away.

Anyway, later down the track that night, a couple (hmmmm) of wines later after music was played and kids were placed into bed, I told my friend to turn away for a sec. When she turned back, I had my pants around my ankles and had tucked my tackle between my legs - you know what I'm talking about. Every guy has done it at some stage. With my newfound poonani on display, my oh-so-pretty made up face pouting Marilynly and my hands on my hips, I purred "Every girl should feel this pretty!"

My friend was in fits of laughter when we both turned and saw her younger daughter at the door of the lounge room. She had wandered out of bed to get a glass of water and stopped to find out what all the commotion was all about. I can't put the look on her face into words, here. Poor fuckin' kid. I'm gonna be up for the cost of a shitload of therapy, I just know it.

Moral: Leave your damn dick alone when you've got make up on.

2005-01-30T23:42:00.000+11:00

Upsetting? Perhaps. A great song? Definitely!

I'm looking down the hole, you're looking up at me
You are cold and tired, that is easy to see
Lower the rope to you, a bucket on the line
Your membrane will be soft and smooth
And your heart will be mine

It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
Yes Precious, it gets the hose

Oooo ooohh Oooo ooohh

The look inside your eyes drives me from control
Evoking visions of my favourite casserole
And if I eat your heart, I'll also bite your soul
And when i'm done with that, I'll use your skull as a bowl

It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
It gets the hose
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket, yes it does
Put the lotion in the basket
Put the lotion in the basket
Put the lotion in the basket
Put the lotion in the basket, now
Put the lotion in the basket, yes it does

Ooooo oooohh

The night is very cold, I'm feeling kind of weak
I think I'll make myself a cap from your right buttocks cheek
And then I will go walking with my little dog
And then I'll bury you underneath a log

It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again
Yes it does, Precious
It puts the lotion in the basket
Bitch, put the lotion in the basket
Oh put the lotion in the fucking basket, bitch
Put the lotion in the basket (Oooo oooh)

(The Greenskeepers - Lotion)

2005-01-24T02:03:00.000+11:00

If I was more like you, I wouldn't have to follow you round.

The white-hot searing pain spread through my thigh like a fire - I've never felt anything like it before in my life. There was something else in here with me, something big. I'd heard reports, I knew the stories, but I hadn't believed until now. "Jesus wept!" I yelled, as I tried to jump up, only to be confronted by the bloody stump that was my left leg. Blood pumped in obscene spurts, covering the carpet like a bad Stainmaster ad, lumps of flesh hanging loosely, no longer recognisable as part of me.

My heart in my throat, I tried to call for help. "Michael Bolton!" I screamed! "For the love of God, help!". Michael Bolton stood impassively on my windowsill, observing the proceedings silently, even sternly. Typical. Scuttling backwards like a desperate three legged crab, I pushed away from the evil that had invaded my house.

The thing's enormous mandibles still contained pieces of my mangled leg as it scythed them back and forth, sounding like a knife on a whetstone. Its enormous black carapace blackened out the room until it was the only thing visible, but all I could stare at was its eyes. Massive, black, unblinking, they were both completely evil and completely empty - a mirror of everything I had placed in the recesses of my mind as too scary to contemplate. As its monstrous shadow passed over me, I'd have said my goodbyes to this fair world, if only my mind hadn't left on a special scared shitless charter flight to warmer pastures. I did the only thing I could think of - I pissed my pants and started wailing for my mum.

The huge creature paused as a noise entered the room. "Tingle!" I cried! "For the love of Mary, mother of Joseph!" I pleaded. "Help me, I' m about to die!". With a snarl and a stride, Tingle whipped out a shotgun from her shoulder holster, and in one foul swoop, saved me from certain death. "Get away from him, creature of the abyss!" hissed Tingle as she pumped three, then four rounds into the creature. It wailed a waily wail, like nails on chalkboard, and collapsed in a heap on my carpet. A few shudders, a few whetstoney clicks, and the evil was no more. Throwing her shotgun on the couch, Tingle ran to me and cradled my head in her arms. "You're going to be okay, everything's going to be fine!"

"So cold!" I replied. "So cold. Why - - -" was all I could get out of my battered body before I succumbed to the darkness.

---

Okay, okay. So I got bit by an ant on my leg. Tingle swatted it with her shoe. But ant bites can be pretty nasty, can't they? I had a whiny 5-year-old-boy expression on my face until Tingle offered me a lolly.

2005-01-16T22:30:00.000+11:00

Character building.

Well, I was right. I spent the rest of that night watching the walls of flame light up the night, but fortunately I wasn't the only one.

My lonely little dirt road was alive with members of the NSW Rural Fire Service who really did a sterling job. And when I crashed out in the early hours of the morning, they were still out there standing guard on the firebreaks, drinking coffee from paper cups in smokestained fluoro yellow overalls.

The next morning, I wandered out and saw half the hills behind my house blackened by the fire, but fortunately nobody lost their house. I think some stock was lost though, this is dairy country around here.

City boy experiences country life! The suspense didn't kill me, but it owes me a new pair of undies...

2005-01-13T21:39:00.000+11:00

Evil red glow.

I've got a bag packed. I've tracked down my cats in case they need to be bundled into the car at a moments notice. Yeah, it's time for another delightful installment of a Shitfully Hot Australian Summer (TM).

Those of you who live in Canberra will know what I mean when I'm talking about the bushfire threat. And of course, those of you who live in South Australia.

At about 2pm today I noticed the valley in which I live becoming full of smoke, and i dashed outside to see a great filthy column of it about a couple of kilometres away. Locals said it was a serious fire and that it had been put out, so there was no need to worry.

Then what the fuck is that ominous red glow dominating my skyline? And why are those choppers still dumping water on it? And what's this rash that comes and goes, doctor, can you tell me what it means?

Bloody hell - everything's insured here, and if I lost the lot it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it's unnerving to say the least!

Time for a beer!

Hey, has everyone voted in the JJJ hottest 100?

(Hows that for attention deficit)

2005-01-09T23:46:00.000+11:00

Extremely Famous.

My fifteen minutes of fame came in a rush this week, and me and Richard on ABCFM are on first name bases.

Thanks to all of you who called up asking for autographs, but now that I'm famous, I can't trust that you'll run off and sell them on Ebay! Don't think I saw the glint in your collective eyes!

Richard and I had a good old chat about life in the country and spirits and mixers. I actually quite like his show so tune in if you're able.

Keep on keeping on, people! 2005 is shaping up to be a snip-rorter!

2005-01-06T23:29:00.000+11:00

Yeah, he was pretty old.

Lloyd Christmas: Mock
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Ing
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Bird
Harry Dunne: Yeah!
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Harry Dunne: Yeah!

(The cast of my life only just includes me)

2005-01-04T23:40:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas!

Well, it's 2005 already! I hope this year heralds a lot more than 2004 did for a lot of people, me included. I have a few major plans up my sleeve that I've already started working on, and in 12 months, I'll have the world eating out of my hand like a slobbery mule.

I have a cactus. His name is Michael Bolton. He sits on my kitchen windowsill, and seems to like it.

2004-11-28T22:13:00.000+11:00

Ch-ch-changes.

I have blue hair.

I have a 70s handlebar moustache.

How's THAT for a post!

2004-11-13T21:58:00.000+11:00

A new start.

Well, I've been in my new place for a month now, and despite many thoughts directed at my site, I still haven't been able to sit myself down and write something decent. Well tonight, on a rainy Saturday night in the country, I've decided to lift my damn game and make some regular posts. Starting tonight.

It has been a real rollercoaster for me, over the past 5 months. If you're new to the site, read back a bit, and have a look at what has happened. I have moved from an extremely unhappy life in Canberra to the most picturesque valley in New South Wales, in the Snowy Mountains near Tumut. I absolutely love it here and have really been 'healing' (at the risk of sounding wanky) quite well. I hope to be able to re-enter society at the end of all this!

I know during my flee from Canberra I stepped on some toes, and I know some people realise that wasn't my intention and some people don't. For those of you who were on the receiving end of some erratic behaviour - please know that I am sorry. I'd love some emails or phone calls if you're holding off because I'm an asshole!

So, this is what it's like to have a completely new start. I'm poor, I'm shell-shocked, and I picking up the pieces - but damn it, I'm happy.

2004-10-21T23:43:00.000+10:00

I made it. Barely. Things will start to look better from here on in.

2004-09-29T23:03:00.000+10:00

Hume Highway.

On my recent road trip to Melbourne, I was cruising my way down along one of the country's busiest roads, the Hume Highway. This is the major highway linking Australia's two largest cities, Sydney and Melbourne. And I kept thinking along the way, as I do every time I drive it, holy fuck!

You see, due to wrangling between the New South Wales government and the Federal government, a lot of the Hume Highway resembles a small two lane country road. It is Australia's most deadly road in terms of road deaths, and I can see why. There are huge trucks and heavy traffic along most of it, accompanied by an ever-changing speed limit and a lot of holiday makers who just want to get to where they're going, and probably live in the suburbs with no experience in serious country driving.

Where else in the world do you see a small country road being the main road between two cities of about 5 million people each? Not to mention the rest of the country population along it! The roads were better in a lot of African countries that I drove through. And how much in taxes and excise do we pay on top of our fuel prices, as a user-pays system, that should go immediately to road maintenance and upgrade?

The Hume Highway spans two states, New South Wales and Victoria. From Melbourne to the Victorian border, the road is wonderful, a four lane freeway that is always in perfect working order. Unfortunately, the New South Wales government is very Sydney-centric and has more on its plate dealing with Sydney roads, which are a bit of a mess. That's what I've been told!

So if you're on the Hume, be careful, be sensible, and beware of idiots. That's all I can say!

2004-09-26T21:41:00.000+10:00

Australian Football.

Well, I'm back from my road trip down to Melbourne and I had a great time. The one thing that I didn't do was much of the Australian Rules Football grand final that was being contested in Melbourne on Saturday!

But this really raised my eyebrows, and I took it with a bit of skepticism until I did some research and proved it to be totally true.

Every team that contested the grand final and won it in the years 1900, 1901, 1902, 1903 and 1904 has again contested in the same grand final and lost, exactly 100 years later.

1900 - Melbourne won. 2000 - Melbourne lost.
1901 - Essendon won. 2001 - Essendon lost.
1902 - Collingwood won. 2002 - Collingwood lost.
1903 - Collingwood won. 2003 - Collingwood lost.
1904 - Fitzroy Lions won. 2004 - (Brisbane) Lions lost.

In case you're wondering, to follow this tradition, Brisbane will get into the grand final in 2005 and lose. Bets anyone? :)

2004-09-20T23:40:00.000+10:00

Non, je ne regrette rien.

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF (#468)

DVD menus that go through a lengthy, unnecessary slideshow or display before you can access the play button, when all you wanna do is watch the fucking movie.

(On a slightly related note, Twisted with Ashley Judd is remarkably average!)

(On another note, my new girlfriend is Ashley Judd).

2004-09-18T13:41:00.000+10:00

Happenings.

Well, it's been a while since I posted, but I have my reasons. The main thing is that I'm distancing myself from Canberra and in particular one person who reads this. (Hi honey! Hope you're well! Ha!) I'll start posting regularly again next month once I've moved out of Canberra.

In a few weeks, I'm packing up all my troubles in my old kit bag and transferring my base of operations (a tactical withdrawal!) to a beautiful part of country NSW. I'm really looking forward to it. Check out all that serenity!

I'm off to Melbourne this weekend to see my sister for her 30th birthday. I hope we all have a great time, I have a feeling it will be a big night, knowing her! I miss her and can't wait to see her more often. For most of our adult lives either she or I have lived overseas, or at least interstate (ie Perth, 4000ks away) from each other. So being within a day's drive is kinda cool!

Seen a few movies. The Bourne Supremacy is pretty good if you (a) liked the first one or (b) you like looking at Matt Damon. It's interesting the different directions Damon and Affleck went after Good Will Hunting! 'Supremacy' is not as good as 'Identity', but still pretty good. Damon makes a believable character and the Russian scenes are great.

Dodgeball is pretty average, even if you like those sort of movies (which I do). You know those movies that have all the funny bits in the ads? This is one of them. I think me and Tingle should have had a couple of glasses of wine first maybe! Two thumbs down from us.

On the music scene, I'm really liking some of the stuff coming out on the alternative scene. As someone said recently, alternative is the 'new cool', and getting popular. I've bought three albums recently that are really, really exceptional and would recommend to anyone wanting to try something new.

First off, The Black Keys new album Rubber Factory is fantastic. I love the sound coming out of the mid-west of America right now (a la White Stripes) and these guys have that urban factory blues just right. Their first single, 10AM Automatic, is what I'd suggest people listen to first if they want an introduction.

On a whim, I bought the debut album "Hot Fuss" by UK newcomers The Killers. This band is great!! I'm sure a lot of people have heard the single "Somebody Told Me" as it is getting a lot of airplay (not sure about the commercial stations, record label slaves that they are) - you know "Somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year" - great lyrics! The hidden gem on the album is "All These Things That I've Done" - "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier" - an absolutely incredible song.

Finally, Sydney outfit Youth Group's "Skeleton Jar" is great too. I haven't spent that much time on it yet, but it's definitely worth it. "Baby Body" is the song that got me interested (was actually introduced to it by Tingle). I would recommend this album as well - great stuff!

Well, thats all the rambling I've got for now. Gotta go pack.

2004-08-29T22:37:00.000+10:00

Olympics.

Well, the Olympics that I've been more or less glued to for the last two weeks is almost over, and I think all us Aussies are very proud of our athletes. Quite a record for us! It's difficult to pick the most memorable part of the games, but I think the most controversial was the womens' eight rower, Sally Robbins, who lay down in the boat exhausted before the finish line. The poor girl has copped a lot of abuse but here's what I know:

1. She didn't cost them the medal. Before she collapsed, they weren't going to win in the first place.

2. The selectors picked her because she is one of the strongest and most powerful rowers they have ever had, and decided to risk her "melt down" tendencies because of that.

3. Some of the members of that crew, apparently, have been rowing together for a long time, and Sally was picked to represent Australia in that crew over another girl who was good friends with those crew members - hence the bitchiness and lack of support from the word go. People criticise Sally Robbins's failure, but all I remember is the hate in the voice of Julia Wilson, the stroke of the eight, as she hung Robbins out to dry.

Anyway, here's a list of Australia's medals! Fourth on the medals list, the most gold we've ever earned, and second only to Bahamas, I'm told, on a medals per capita basis!

___

GOLD (17)

CYCLING

Sprint - Ryan Bayley
Keirin - Ryan Bayley
Road race - Sara Carrigan
500m time trial - Anna Meares
4000m team pursuit - Graeme Brown, Brett Lancaster, Brad McGee, Luke Roberts
Madison - Graeme Brown, Stuart O'Grady

DIVING

10m platform - Chantelle Newbery

ROWING

Men's pair - James Tomkins, Drew Ginn
SHOOTING

Trap - Suzie Balogh

SWIMMING

100m freestyle - Jodie Henry
200m freestyle - Ian Thorpe
400m freestyle - Ian Thorpe
1500m freestyle - Grant Hackett
100m butterfly - Petria Thomas
4x100m freestyle - Alice Mills, Libby Lenton, Petria Thomas, Jodie Henry.
4x100m medley relay - Giaan Rooney, Leisel Jones, Petria Thomas, Jodie Henry

HOCKEY

Men - Michael Brennan, Travis Brooks, Dean Butler, Liam De Young, Jamie Dwyer, Nathan Eglington, Troy Elder, Bevan George, Robert Hammond, Mark Hickman, Mark Knowles, Brent Livermore, Michael McCann, Stephen Mowlam, Grant Schubert, Matthew Wells.

SILVER (16)

ATHLETICS

4x400m relay - John Steffensen, Mark Ormrod, Patrick Dwyer, Clinton Hill

BASEBALL

Craig Anderson, Thomas Brice, Adrian Burnside, Gavin Fingleson, Paul Gonzalez, Nick Kimpton, Brendan Kingman, Craig Lewis, Graeme Lloyd, David Nilsson, Trent Oeltjen, Wayne Ough, Chris Oxspring, Brett Roneberg, Ryan Rowland Smith, John Stephens, Phillip Stockman, Brett Tamburrino, Richard Thompson, Andrew Utting, Rodney van Buizen, Ben Wigmore, Glenn Williams, Jeff Williams

BASKETBALL

Women - Suzy Batkovic, Sandra Brondello, Trish Fallon, Kristi Harrower, Lauren Jackson, Natalie Porter, Alicia Poto, Belinda Snell, Rachael Sporn, Laura Summerton, Penelope Taylor, Allison Tranquilli

CANOE/KAYAK

Men's K1 500 - Nathan Baggaley
Men's K2 500 - Nathan Baggaley and Clint Robinson

CYCLING

4000m individual pursuit - Brad McGee
3000m individual pursuit - Katie Mactier

DIVING

10m Platform - Mathew Helm

ROWING

Lightweight four - Glen Loftus, Anthony Edwards, Ben Cureton, Simon Burgess.

SOFTBALL - Sandra Allen, Marissa Carpadios, Fiona Crawford, Amanda Doman, Peta Edebone, Tanya Harding, Natalie Hodgskin, Simmone Morrow, Tracey Mosley, Stacey Porter, Melanie Roche, Natalie Titcume, Natalie Ward, Brooke Wilkins, Kerry Wyborn

SWIMMING

400m freestyle - Grant Hackett
100m breaststroke - Brooke Hanson
200m breaststroke - Leisel Jones
200m butterfly - Petria Thomas
4x200m freestyle relay - Nic Sprenger, Ian Thorpe, Michael Klim, Grant Hackett

TRIATHLON

Women's - Loretta Harrop

BRONZE (16)

ARCHERY

Individual - Tim Cuddihy

ATHLETICS

20km walk - Nathan Deakes
20km walk - Jane Saville

CYCLING

Sprint - Anna Meares
Keirin - Shane Kelly

DIVING

Synchronised 3m springboard - Irina Lashko, Chantelle Newbery
Synchronised 3m springboard - Robert Newbery, Steven Barnett
Synchronised 10m platform - Robert Newbery, Matthew Helm
10m platform - Loudy Tourky

ROWING

Men's eight - Stefan Szczurowski, Stuart Reside, Stuart Welch, James Stewart, Geoff Stewart, Boden Hanson, Mike McKay, Steve Stewart, Michael Toon (cox)
Quad sculls - Amber Bradley, Dana Faletic, Kerry Hore, Rebecca Sattin

SHOOTING

Trap - Adam Vella

SWIMMING

50m freestyle - Libby Lenton
100m freestyle - Ian Thorpe
100m breaststroke - Leisel Jones

TENNIS

Singles - Alicia Molik

2004-08-25T21:39:00.000+10:00

Irish personal ads!

Fresh from my in-box, here are some reputedly real Irish personal ads. A couple of them cracked me up! Mainly the hatchet-faced bit!

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeksdecent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruelworld of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open- minded twin sister.

2004-08-23T21:23:00.000+10:00

Goodbye.

Looking down, he felt the rough fabric of his shirt had been cleaned and pressed, like it was straight off the production line, like the first day he ever put it on, nervous and eager. He'd been 16 then, but in those days it was easy to scratch off a digit and use dad's fountain pen to alter the date. He'd looked 18, and the people in charge tended to turn a bit of a blind eye.

"Caux!" yelled someone. "Caux!"

Marcel looked up and saw some faces. They weren't familiar at first, and then with a sharp pang, he remembered them. There was Snowy, Alf and Peterson, absurdly tall with a laconic grin that never left his face, no matter where they were. That laconic grin addressed him.

"Been a while, Marcel. We've been waiting."

He smiled. He knew who they were, and he knew what this meant. He didn't say anything.

"It's the last muster, Marcel. Come on, mate, or we'll be late."

The four of them started down the dusty track towards the east. The shadows were long now, the sun behind them, but it wasn't cold.

"You never got old like I did, fellows. The years did not weary you, like they did me", said Marcel.

"You never really got old either, mate. Not really. And you carried that bloody knee wound with you for 90 years and never lost yer sense of humour", said Snowy.

The twilight was approaching now as they took their time on the track. Nobody seemed to be in any particular hurry, just as long as they were moving, walking the track. It feltpleasant to Marcel, and he was oddly calm. He always wondered what this bit would be like.

Nobody said anything after that. Marcel didn't mind. He was interested to see what was next, and he remembered the guys never really said much anyway, and he liked that. A lot of the guys he met since last seeing these three talked too much, he felt.

He straightened his hat and didn't look back.

"One last walk in the sun, mate." said Peterson.

Marcel nodded, and smiled.

(Marcel Caux 1899 - 2004. Rest in peace, old digger, and thanks from all of us)

2004-08-10T13:17:00.000+10:00

Uncle Travelling Matt

Well, I spent the last week in Melbourne and Brisbane, and I'm definitely sure I've had my fill of Canberra. I honestly don't know why I've hung around so long in the first place. There are a few good people here but the rest are mean-spirited soulless bored grey people with too much disposable income and a cruel streak. And with the ridiculous real estate prices in this city right now, the old adage of "a good place to save money" is no longer applicable.

I advise the rest of the good people to go spend a week in another city and realise, like me, how the rest of Australia lives! and MOVE! like ME!

More details about my week in the coming days. Got some good stories to tell!

Anyone out there wanting to buy a 3 bedroom townhouse in Weston? :)

2004-07-28T17:41:00.000+10:00

Money don't buy everything, that's true. But what it don't buy, I can't use.

Hey! So the little Hyundai is officially no longer my car. It was kinda sad seeing it drive off, as it was a part of my relationship that went south for the winter.

But here's the dealio - they paid in cash! I slept last night with one ear and eye open, because having $12,000 in cash in your house overnight freaks you out. Take my word for it! Actually, I've never ever had that much cash in my hand at one time. As soon as the bank opened this morning, I ran over and deposited the money. It's funny, even though the money is totally legal, you sort of start having these guilty conscience verbal blurts.

"It's okay, I just sold a car".

"I've never had that much money in my hand in my life!"

"It's okay, I didn't steal it. I didn't!!!! Stop looking at my face!!! What's that button you keep pressing???"

Anyhow. One less car to worry about. Now I've got a Falcon and a Money Pit. Yay!

I'm enjoying a social life renaissance right now, actually. I'm enjoying visiting quite a few people and entertaining others, and last night I had dinner again with the pretty Miss Melly at Tutu Tango. Upon her recommendation, we went to their Taco Tuesday evening, and it was great! For $10 you get a big platter of soft tacos and all their fixins... throw in a bottle of red wine and some apple pie and Matt's a happy camper. Recommended! Though the service was a little slow.

Ever seen $12,000 in cash? Here's a pic. I took a photo of it. I may or may not have rolled around in it after this photo was taken, too.

PS IT IS IN THE BANK! IT IS NO LONGER GRIPPED IN MY SWEATY PALM THROUGH THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING!

2004-07-26T12:30:00.000+10:00

Cruel to be kind, in the right measure...

I've had a couple of requests for this, believe it or not! A little while ago I came across this page where a Latin major, going under the name of Quislibet I think, at a U.S. college had translated Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back into Latin, and then again back into English. I thought it was hilarious! But I dont know if anyone else will, I hope so! Just such a great song, so full of passion and idiom, to be translated with such dispassion and remoteness into Latin, of all things!

Anyway, here's what he or she came up with.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/quislibet/164084.html

My personal favourite is:

virtute praestare ut velitis, notantes bracas eius
(So that you want to be conspicuous for manly virtue, noticing her breeches)
clunibus profunde fartas esse
(Have been deeply stuffed with buttock?)

2004-07-25T15:39:00.000+10:00

A question for the ages!

I am struggling with a very in depth question and it's really bugging me. I hope someone can help me with it. I expect some very conflicting views on this subject but so help me jeebus, I just can't decide.

Is Laura Linney pretty? I don't know.

In other developments, I sold the Hyundai today, to a very excited German couple who were just about to sign over for a new Getz, but at the last moment saw mine advertised, and saved $3,500!

2004-07-24T20:40:00.000+10:00

Movin' kinda slowly, like he'd just been hit.

So last night I ended up having a few too many Tahitian Tingles with my lovely friend Tahitian Tingle. My stomach has being doing somersaults all day because what's great on top of a couple o' bottles o' wine? Jalapeno pizza! YAY! It's "halla-pen-yo", you stupid Aussie.

My stomach last night was probably sitting there going "What the FUCK? He's been on this stupid diet for most of the week and now it's booze and pizza, and shitloads of it??"

But last night was a blast. I don't know how many people can sit there and talk about nothing and everything and listen to some pretty weird and eclectic music for more than eight hours while consuming their own weight in grape juice! I love it!

By the way, Tingle, what's first? Tulsa or Alice Springs? Ahhh road trips. :)

Had a couple of calls about selling the Getz today, and people will be inspecting the lil beast tomorrow. Hopefully it will sell, so I will have one less car. I dreamt last night I drove one of those new Monaros, a nice new six speed with leather seats. But according to my dream, it steered like a bus and I almost had an accident!!! Analyse that! Well, might have been the fact that I had passed out on the bed from grape juice overload, but anyway...

Been a while since we had a pic... I think one of my favourite cars in the world is the Camaro of the late 60s... such a stunner. This one looks like the great car in Better Off Dead. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!

2004-07-21T22:37:00.000+10:00

I am, in fact, the king of the divan!

For your viewing pleasure. I hope you speak French / Flemish, and get as much out of this as I did!

Plastic Bertrand: Ca Plane Pour Moi

Wham bang mon chat "Splash"
gite sur mon lit a bouffe
Sa langue en buvant trop mon whysky
Quand a moi peu dormividebrime
J'ai du dormir dans la goutiere
Oil j'ai un flash
ouh ouh ouh ouh.
En 4 couleurs

Allez opun matin
Une louloute est v'nue chez moi
Poupee de cellophane
cheveux chinois
Sparadrapune gueule de bois
A bu ma biere dans un grand verre en ca outchouc
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
comme un indien dans son igloo

Ca plane pour moi
ca plane pour moi
ca plane pour moi moi moi moi
ca plane pour moi
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
ca plane pour moi

Allez hop la mama
quel panard quelle vibration
De s'envoyer sur le paillasson
lime ruine
vide comble
You are the king of the divan
qu'elle me dit en passant
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
I'm the king of the divan

Ca plane pour moi
ca plane pour moi
ca plane pour moi moi moi moi
ca plane pour moi
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
ca plane pour moi

Allez hop t'occupes t'inquietes
touches pas ma planete
It's not today que le ciel me tombera sur la tete
Et que la colle me manquera
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
ca plane pour moi

Ca plane pour moi
ca plane pour moi
ca plane pour moi moi moi moi
ca plane pour moi
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
ca plane pour moi

Allez hop
ma nana s'est tiree
s'est barree
Enfin c'est marre a tout casse
l'evierle bar
Me laissant seul comme un grand connard
Ouh ouh ouh ouh
le pied dans le plat

...

2004-07-20T23:09:00.000+10:00

Charming e-neighbours!

So here I was, witty as hell, charming the pants off these two girls I was having dinner with tonight. Both were stunners, their dazzling smile blinding me as they laughed at my constant jokes and witful banter. Whispering and giggling, they leaned over as one, and breathed into my ear:

We've got a hot tub with a mirror above it at our place. Hurry up and finish your dinner!

Suavely, I straightened my tux and finished my martini, then I - - -

Ah, fuck it. It's no fun trying to make up stories about other bloggers. They just know the truth!

Actually, it was damn fine to meet the two fellow members of the blogging community tonight. Both were fantastic in person and I really enjoyed my night out. Mel and TJ - thank you so much! I learnt so much about the Canberra blogging subculture and its sometimes incestuous ways! I look forward to the next winey evening!

Mel, this is for you!

2004-07-19T13:32:00.000+10:00

Transdermal celebration?

The last couple of mornings that I've dragged my sorry ass out of bed and had my usual breakfast, which consists of a strong coffee and a good scratch of the balls, I've heard this strange sound.

Kinda like the sound you hear, a metallic tinkling, when you muck around with those metal stress ball things. Jingle jingle jingle. What the hell is that, I think to myself? Jingle jingle jingle. The finally it dawns on me. It's my balls.

You see, it's been less than zero, including one -7 morning, for the past week or so! "I love the cold, crisp Canberra mornings!" I chirp to everyone. "They're fantastic!"

I changed my mind. Whoever is running the weather, can I dial-a-request for something warm and wet? Cheers!

2004-07-18T13:17:00.000+10:00

Another crappy survey!

[name] Matt
[location] At home, Sunday lunchtime.
[eye color] Blue-grey
[height] 5'11"
[heritage] English, Norweigan
[last cd i listened to] Cake - Fashion Nugget
[artist i have the most albums of] Weezer
[last time i turned on the radio] It's on downstairs at the moment!
[last place i drove to] Drove back home from a friend's place at 4 in the morning
[last vacation i took] I went to Hawaii a couple of months ago. Also an impromptu holiday in NSW and Victoria a few weeks back!
[most beautiful place i've ever been to] The Canadian Rockies. It doesn't get any better than that!
[country i would never want to visit] I would love to visit every single country!
[year of my life i would never live over] This past year... I hit rock bottom
[last movie i saw in the theatre] Been a while now - Troy I think.
[worst roommate] My ex-wife.
[most paranoid about] Never doing anything worthwhile in my life!
[the person i tell the juicy stuff to first] Tahitian Tingle.
[best online friend] Jenn, she's amazing.
[number of jackets i own] Lots! 5 at least.
[type of car i wish i had] '61 Corvette
[dream job] Author
[fave lip gloss or chapstick] You're selling what now?
[last kiss] Friday night, a kiss goodbye
[fave pen] I love fountain pens but they're not built for left-handers
[countries i have been to] 45 at last count
[other languages i know phrases in] French, Spanish, German, Papua New Guinean, Maori, Czech, Russian... etc
[other languages i would love to learn] German! And Spanish.

I am the best blogger in the entire world.

2004-07-17T22:13:00.000+10:00

Oooh, pics!

Hey, I've finally worked out how to shove pics up on this Blogspot thingy-muh-jig. Now I've broken the seal, stand by to be picced to death of the next few weeks!

To start with:

Here's a pic of the car I'm trying to sell. It's a gem, I tells ya!

And while I'm at it, here's a pic of my other car,which I lovingly call the Money Pit.

2004-07-17T15:22:00.000+10:00

For Sale!

I might as well use my blog for a little bit of advertising!

FOR SALE:

2004 Hyundai Getz
1.5 litre 3-door hatch manual
Silver, 7,700 kms, nearly all country driving
Power windows, power mirrors, central locking, all the goodies inc CD/MP3 player.
Great little car, only four months old, that means you've got 4 years, 8 months full warranty left of trouble-free motoring!

I really like this car but I need to sell it due to marriage break up. It has been faultless since I bought it and it is exactly as you would drive it out of a showroom. Nobody has ever even sat in the rear seats!

$13,000 ono.

C'mon, do a guy a favour. Buy the damn car!

2004-07-15T11:11:00.000+10:00

Eyebrows. An indepth study.

It has occurred to me that one of my favourite features on a face is the eyebrows. They're so expressive, and together with the eyes they provide a focus point for the face. When you look at someone, you look into their eyes - and the eyebrows are right there!

Eyebrows can make or break a face. Ever seen those women who shave theirs off and draw them back on? Ever thought that looked good in any sense of the word? Me neither! Similarly, the scary monobrow sported by Salma Hayek in Frida completely changed her look, very effective.

Consider this, too. After years of intensive study and comparison, I have come to a conclusion about eyebrows. You may want to test this out yourself. Don't make it too obvious though, because otherwise you're going to come off as a weirdo. I'm speaking from experience here. I also use this trick when I'm speaking publicly, to make me feel a bit less nervous, along the lines of "picturing people in their undies" routine.

My conclusion is if you look at the colour and the texture of somebody's eyebrows, you've got the colour and texture of their pubic hair. If their eyebrows are thick and dark, there you go. If they are blond and wispy, there you go. Try it out! Tell 'em I sent ya. Stay tuned for other irrational ramblings that make me sound like I'm a freak - a la Gareth from The Office "Well he shouldn't be allowed near animals then".

I don't know how to spell wispy.

2004-07-13T11:53:00.000+10:00

Back!

Hi all! Well, I'm back from my little jaunt all over the place and it really made me feel a lot better. Thank you so much to all the people I spent time with, family and friends, all over the place!

There's nothing like taking a long drive to get you thinking. I have a few more irons in the fire now than I did a month ago, and I'm feeling good about them. I need to turn all of this crap into a positive experience, and somehow use the "passion" I am feeling for good. My lordy, I sound like a super hero.

2004-07-02T01:24:00.000+10:00

I actually liked a lot of these! "They're funny because they're true!"

This is a list of universal truths
Most people can relate to nearly all of these truths.
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
5) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
6) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
11) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
12) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
13) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
14) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
15) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
16) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
17) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
18) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
19) Old women with mobile phones look wrong
20) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
21) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
22) You never ever run out of salt.
23) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
24) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
25) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
26) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
27) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned electrical plug.
28) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
29) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
30) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
31) Bricks are horrible to carry.
32) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
33) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

2004-07-01T11:56:00.000+10:00

New Financial Year! or whatever.

Okay, I'm feeling like blogging again! I'm feeling good today. This weekend I am doing a tour of the countryside, visiting friends and family. I'm going to get drunk and get laid, and basically have a week's wonderful, wonderful bender! I'm going to enjoy the sights of Sydney and Melbourne and everything else in between.

In particular I have a meeting with a wonderful friend who I haven't seen for a long time, and she's going to entertain me until I drop dead. It's going to be just what the doctor ordered!

My latest feeling is that Canberra is no longer for me. It's unfortunate because I have some friends here both old and new, but I am sick of work and I am sick of what has happened to me in Canberra, and Melbourne in particular is feeling relatively enticing. I lived there for 2 years about 6 years ago and loved it. I have a feeling I would love it again. What's more, I could get a pretty nice house for the same amount I would spend in Canberra on a shitbox. What is it with Canberra real estate? :)

It's a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll, if you know what I mean.

2004-06-24T11:19:00.000+10:00

Crappy survey time!

Someone sent me this today, so I decided to chuck it up here.

1) Starting time: 9.49am my time here in Australia
2) Full name: Matt
3) Nicknames: Matty, or Wampus in some circles
4) School: Currently at the Australian National University
5) email: :)
6) eyes: blue-grey
7) Height: 6'0"
8) Siblings: One sister two years younger
9) Ever been kissed: Yes
10) Ever cheat or be cheated on?: Not cheated, but very much so the latter
11) Ever missed school because it was raining? Ah, no.
12) Ever faked sick? Yes. Those "mental health" days
13) Kept a secret from everyone? Yes
14) Had an imaginary friend? I think all my friends are imaginary, or actors
15) Wanted to hook up with a friend? Yes!
16) Cried during a Flick? Yes, anything by Frank Darabont makes me cry like a schoolgirl
17) Who is your "star crush"? Melanie Lynskey (yeah, I know, look her up)
18) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm "married".

-----------------FAVORITES----------------
19) Drink: Red wine - good red wine
20) Food: Indian or Thai
21) Restaurant: Here in Canberra? Indian Affair or Rocksalt
22) Shampoo: That one that smells of roses. Yeah, I know, shut up.
23) Color: Green
24) Summer/Winter? Winter definitely
25) Online/Offline? Online!
27) Like anyone: Yep
28) Who have you known the longest out of your friends: A couple of friends from high school, Will and Ron
29) Who's the shyest? Steve is pretty shy. Jenn pretends to be shy, too.
31) Who do you go to for advice? Myself. And Coll.
32) Who do you get along with? Intelligent, strong minded but kind people

---------IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS HAVE YOU------------
33) Cried: Yeah. Had enough now.
34) Been mean: I don't think so.
36) Been sarcastic: Highest form of wit, you know.
37) Been yelled at: Yes. Thanks K.
38) Talked to someone you have a crush on? :)
39) Kissed someone? Yes
40) Hugged someone: Yes, thank you
42) Wished upon a star: Wished I was a star?
43) Laughed until you've cried: Yes!
44) Played Truth or Dare: No
45) Watched a sunrise/sunset: I hate sunrise
46) Went to the beach at night: No
49) Were you lonely? Yes
50) Were you happy? Yes
51) Have you talked to someone online? yes

-----------DO YOU BELIEVE IN.......------------
52) God/Devil: No
53) Love: Not really. I believe in close companionship
54) The Closet Monster:
56) Heaven/hell: No
57) Superstitions? Everyone has them
58) Half empty or half full: Half full!
59) Who named you? My parents
60) Favorite quote: Lots! One is The Pursuit of Happiness "No more boy meets girl, boy loses girl, more like man tries to understand what hell went wrong!"
61) When was the last time you showered? About 8 this morning
62) what is the last thing u said online? "Giraffe"
63) What is right next to you?: Cup o' coffee
64) What is your computer desk made of? Wood
65) What was the last thing that you did? Called off work through lack of interest
66) Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? Urgh. Had one, it was great, but obviously with the wrong person
67) Where do you want your wedding? At a bloody registry next time
68) Where do you live?: Australia, Canberra
69) How's the weather? Cold enough to make my balls jangle
70) What did you do last night? Talked on the phone, watched some teev, played a computer game
71) What are you doing tonight? Grocery shopping, see a movie. The days are just packed.
72) How do YOU eat an Oreo? Just bite it like a normal cookie
73) All time favorite TV show: The Office, Futurama, Sopranos
74) Dream vehicle: Classic 60's Corvette or a Cobra
75) What do you want to be when you grow up? I would love to be a writer, or an agent in a Federal Govt. department
76) Favorite music: alternative rock
77) Favorite band? Metallica, Jebediah, White Stripes, Cake
78) Favorite food? Curry or good French
80) Favorite days of the week? Friday
81) Favorite animal ? Cats - big or small
82) Brand of clothing? Anything unusual
83) If you could change your name, what would it be? Matt... Steele! Matt Power? Matt Finish?
84) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Just a large cat
85) The most stupidest thing you have ever done? Run naked at a party with about 100 people watching
86) First Son's name? God almighty... kids?
88) First daughter's name? See above
90) First Crush? A girl called Katie, I'm sure she thought I was mentally retarded, i couldnt string words together when she spoke to me
91) On the phone or in person? In person, but phone is better than nothing
93) If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? Weight, marital choice
94) Where were you born? Melbourne, Australia
95) What kind of pets do you have? Three cats, Moo, Kit and Jeremy
96) Who sent this to you? Jennay.
97) What do you think about this person? Jenn is an absolute enigma.
98) Your favorite songs? Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton! Heavy Heart by You Am I... lots of others
99) Anything you want to say to everyone? Yes. The battle between selfish assholes and decent people in this world continues to be fought every day, and if you're on the decent side of the fence and keep thinking it's a losing battle, I disagree. I think we are the minority but 1of us counts for 10 of them!
100) Do you want your friends to do this survey? Yes..
101) Time Finished: 10.30am!

2004-06-21T20:50:00.000+10:00

Nice things.

One of the biggest things I've learnt through all this crap is that I shouldn't lump all of my friends into the same group. I tend to close up shop when I'm down or upset, and sure enough, I just stopped communicating with all of my friends. Some of them, however, have been fantastic, and I've had some votes of support from some true friends, both old and new.

Special thanks to my sis, and the two friends that helped me through this more than anyone else. One person in particular, I'm looking at you, yeah, you. I'll call you Tahitian Tingle! You have done so much just being there when I needed to chat about stuff and you put your own problems on a shelf to help me with mine.

I don't know how to repay you - there still are some amazing people out there, and I hope they outnumber the assholes and the bitches that roam this earth making life a misery to all around them.

I also got an email from a friend sorta out of the blue, and it contained some of the most wonderful things anyone has ever said about me or to me. I almost lost my manly composure once more reading it, and I wanted to put an excerpt of it up here (A) because it makes me sound great and (B) because I really wanted people to know how special this person is as well.

I have watched your actions towards (the cheating bitch) and the situation that you have been going through for the last couple of months and I hope that in some way.. these words help you. What you have done to save what was so special to you is nothing short of valiant. Not many people would try as hard as you did and with as much sympathy, dignity and desire when you were really getting coldness in return. It shows someone like me, that there is a heart out there worth much more love than women of this world can offer. You are a tremendous gentleman, Matt. From the outside in, you have been nothing short of the best husband you could have been. You continued to be a friend and try and understand her thoughts and actions even when they were hurting you. You truly are the definition of a man.

To all of you who are supporting me, sent me wellwishes, made a comment on the website, or even emailed me a bit of a chin-up message (Mel and TJ, thank you so much), I just want to thank you all.

2004-06-20T14:14:00.000+10:00

Dealing with it.

Okay, time perhaps to stick my head out from the defensive cocoon I've been living in for the past couple of weeks and start to try to be healthy again.

Yeah, looks like my marriage is over, despite pleas from my "wife" to give it another shot. I'm still doing some thinking about it, but I can't see a single reason to give it another go. But then again, I'm hurting so much right now, I don't know what end is up.

So what have I been up to? Well, not sleeping and then sleeping. After about four horrible nights sleep in a row I finally went to the doctor and got something to help me sleep. In my lower moments, I will admit, I stared at that little box of pills and wondered what it would be like just to drift off, but I just don't think I'm that type. I've got to focus on some of the other aspects of my life that I really enjoy.

So sleeping dulls the pain a bit! I guess it sounds wanky, but I've been going to sleep in order to look forward to that couple of seconds between when you wake up and when you realise what a shit state your life is in and it all comes crashing back to you. I guess anyone who has been in this position emotionally will know what I mean.

Other than sleeping, I've just been working. Oddly enough, sinking myself into some work has taken my mind off things, though I've been about half as productive as normal. Work is fairly understanding though, luckily.

Today is the first day that I'm feeling remotely human and am starting to think about rational avenues for the future. The bitch and I don't have kids, just cats, which is good, but we do share a house that we bought three years ago. I think the only likely option is for us to sell the place and go our separate ways.

Can you believe you have to be separated for 12 months in Australia before you get a divorce? What the fuck? I guess it gives people like me a chance to calm down and see things in a rational light, but really, waiting 12 months for closure, with someone you despise still having that link to you, sharing your name and all the other legal marriage arrangements? Fuck that!

For those who asked me, my wife has been having an affair with some guy since about February. I'm dying to publish this guy's name and place of work because he is the very public face of a political body representing a particular industry. In addition, the guy holds a rank in a professional organisation. Once I've dotted the I's and crossed the T's, I'll let the world know who this lovely gentleman is, and how you can all let him know how much you respect his ethics.

Anyone got any ideas for revenge? Heh...

2004-06-10T20:30:00.000+10:00

The end?

I heard your voice before I ever saw your face. Working for two different branches of the same firm, we had to talk to each other every day. I'd make you laugh just to hear it.

When we saw each other at that horrible Christmas party, we got along great. We were both out of bad relationships, and were so against having another one, looking back it would make me laugh if my eyes weren't so full of tears right now.

We embarked on several months of "friendship". What sort of friends see each other every single night, never missing one? We'd sit on the beach until 3am, having to crack open beer bottles on the rocks because we forgot to bring a bottle opener. I'd drop you home at 4am and we'd be at work at 8am, hurrying through our work so we could do it again.

Somewhere in there, I knew you were the one. When I took the plunge and kissed you at a friend's Christmas party, I knew it was the right decision. We kissed for three hours, and when I dropped you home, my lips didn't stop tingling for days. I couldn't stop smiling.

We quit our jobs in Perth and loaded up our lives into my trusty Falcon and headed up north, not knowing how far we'd go. We crossed rivers, saw ore, Broome, Katherine, Darwin. At Mindil Markets you fell in love with pineapple. We ran out of petrol in the middle of the Northern Territory and were rescued by a truckie. In western Queensland you sat in the male section of the bar and we couldn't figure out what all the stares were all about.

After Queensland we were poor, and we landed on friends doorsteps in Canberra, and got jobs. Four years later, we are still in Canberra. Three cats and a house under our belt. 18 months ago we tied the knot, and continued our driving adventures across Canada and America, an amazing honeymoon. Not once in four years did we run out of things to say.

But something changed earlier this year. The smile was forced, the nights out "with the girls" became more frequent. Dinners out with me were a chore.

Now I know why. We always said we'd stick together until it stopped being fun. It stopped being fun for you, didn't it?

My wedding ring is hanging on a hook in the bathroom, I can't bear to have it on my finger at the moment. Why did it have to go out this way?

You were my life. You took away everything. My hands wont stop shaking and the tears come unbidden.

So starts a new chapter in my life. Goodbye, my love.

2004-06-09T20:02:00.000+10:00

Shit hitting the fan.

Well, this is officially the worst month of my life. I swore I wouldn't blog about my relationship or my work, but imagine the absolute worst thing that could happen in each of them, and you'll be pretty close to it.

I'd like to just take this opportunity to say fuck you very much to the people involved.

2004-06-07T16:02:00.000+10:00

D-Day!

There's been a lot of talk recently about the 60th anniversary of D-Day being celebrated, and as an avid historian, I'm absolutely devouring it all. Such an amazing time, with so many lives lost, brought into sharp focus by such films as the Longest Day, a Bridge Too Far and Saving Private Ryan. My particular favourite is Band of Brothers, which tells the story of average men in combat without all the heroic hooplaa.

I learnt that the only actual Australian who went ashore on D-Day was one guy in the Merchant Marines who grabbed a gun and joined American troops, as he "didnt want to miss out on all the action"! However, there were many Australians in the Navy and Air Force who took part at that time. Australian Army troops were, I believe, concentrated in the Pacific fighting the Japanese with the Americans.

One of the things I'm fascinated about during this time is the performance of the "citizen soldier". That is, the amazing feats of bravery and comradeship that were displayed, not by professional soldiers (who today continue to be splashed across media headlines as stupid, power-hungry automatons) but by guys who signed up for the "duration of the war". Postmen, carpenters, bootmakers, shop owners, these sorts of guys, who performed so brilliantly and then went back to their often boring, low-paid jobs.

I guess something a lot of guys my age (and a lot of women too) must think is that if this sort of thing happened today, would I join up? Would I make the grade? Would I piss myself and bolt in battle or would I be able to stand those extreme stresses, and excel in the way that so many of these guys did?

My dad (as a veteran of a war himself) once said to me, "bravery is not being fearless, it is the ability to swallow that fear and still go on to do what you need to do".

To anyone who has served in action, thank you very much! I appreciate it.

2004-06-06T12:33:00.000+10:00

News flash!

So the two major things I learnt today while browsing the news sites is that Ronald Reagan died and "popular" "rock" bank Creed split up.

Reagan dying is sad, but I guess he was 93. As a student of International Relations and politics I do not, and never have, agreed with his populist brand of conservative policy. But he certainly makes interesting study, and he definitely wasn't "vanilla".

As for Creed, I hope those assholes don't create more bands from their broken remnants. I'm not sure commercial radio can stomach it.

2004-06-04T22:46:00.000+10:00

Urgh.

Dear Makers of Love Actually,

Can I please have my two hours of my life back? Thanks. Legal proceedings will follow.

Love,
Matty.

2004-06-04T12:36:00.000+10:00

Thanks, Matt.

Once in a while, paranoid delusions aside, things will freak me out. It's usually by a mishearing that happens all the time. My name is Matt, you see, and in Australia, a common male reference is "Mate". With the Australian accent, sometimes the "Mate" is clipped back to what sounds like "Matt". So every so often, when I'm at the shops or something, the shop assistant will say "Thanks, Matt". It freaks me out!

This from the guy that, after watching the Truman Show, started eyeing his wife off to see if she was an actress.

2004-06-02T10:35:00.000+10:00

Unkempt!

The best thing about taking some time off work, for me, is not having to shave every morning. I look like the wild man of Borneo right now, and that's all right with me! I haven't shaved for about 9 days but now it's starting to itch, and I'm also getting complaints from other members of the household on its scratchiness.

I was going to go for the unshaved Don Johnson look, but I think I just look like a homeless man. But hey, that works! If I practice the C word, and refer to passers by in that tone when I'm sitting on a park bench stinking to high heaven and drinking out of a paper bagged bottle of goon, I'll have it worked out!

2004-05-31T18:02:00.000+10:00

...And back. Yay.

Hawaii was great. I had a ball! Man, what a difference between the current Canberra temperatures and Hawaii - I didnt even need the jeans and long sleeve top I brought with me!

Rental car : undented. Wallet: dented as fuck.

2004-05-27T14:00:00.000+10:00

Hawaii!

So I'm still in Hawaii and having the time of my pitiful little life! Limited internet availability combined with my lack of wanting to sort through my junk mail has prevented me from grabbing a computer so far, but now we've landed at a bar where you get free internet time when you purchase a drink. So keep 'em comin'! Hey, have a look to see if the bar web cam is working. You might see me swanning around.

Have eaten, drank, shopped and driven my heart out. The weather has been great and I bought the most awesome shirt today. Fans of "Office Space" will be jealous! Have rented a Pontiac Grand Prix for the week and man, it's a hell of a lot of fun to drive. If it wasn't an island, who knows where I'd be right now! Was a bee's dick from renting the V10 Dodge Viper but was talked out of it.

Highlight of the trip so far: Baker and I walk into a bar that is packed to the hilt with American Army personnel. Baker at this time is wearing a cute top with sergeant army stripes on the sleeve and "Commanding Bitch" written on the chest. The music stops and everyone stares at us. Fortunately the ol' "Aussie accent" got us out of another one!

More later! My Mai Tai is getting warm!

2004-05-22T14:47:00.000+10:00

Holy moly!

Browsing through news stories today, I saw something buried in the "interest" section that to me, if it's true, is pretty big news!

Seems that back in 1983, just when tensions between the USA and the Soviet Union were high because the latter had shot down a passenger jet from South Korea (and I had become the king of 'four square' and dodgeball in primary school), the Soviet colonel in charge of their early warning system chose to ignore an alarm indicating the USA had launched their missiles at the USSR.

It turned out it was a fault, and it may be a major simplification of the event, but basically this guy's decision pretty much saved the human race from being blown off the planet!

Well, I like the dramatic flair of that take on the event, anyway. Have a nice week everyone, I'm on holidays!

2004-05-21T21:28:00.000+10:00

A novel approach.

So I'm filling up at the service station today, and it's hurting. Who pays a buck five a litre? In a city? Remind me why I drive a V8 again?

Anyway, this guy had driven up to the bowser and backed his car up towards it. So his car was perpedicular to the line of bowsers.

I've never seen that done before, ever. Was he protesting against the fuel prices? Or just someone walking to the beat of their own drum?

It don't matter too much, I guess. That's the most interesting thing that happened to me today that I can blog about! Hoowee, slow down world!

2004-05-20T16:27:00.000+10:00

SHIT LIST.

Ben Lightbody, 21.
Brett Neville, 26.
Casey Parker, 21.
Geoffrey Symonds, 20.
Darryl Llewellin, 26.
Christopher James Murray, 19.

You've made my shit list. I've got a bottle of lighter fluid for you right here, you fucking cowards.

2004-05-20T13:19:00.000+10:00

Away, away!

On Sunday, I'm going away for a week. I'm dying for a holiday and this is right up my alley! A while back I was talking about how there were some amazing specials to Hawaii, because Hawaiian Air had started a Sydney - Honolulu leg.

Well, that's the destination! This time next week, I'll be lying on a tropical beach somewhere, having eaten, shopped and drank to absolute excess. I cannot wait! If I can spare some time out of my busy schedule, I might try a "remote blog-in" and blog from paradise. I'll be "your man at the scene"!

Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way of saying Merry Christmas to you. Yeah, I stole your beat but that's 'cos you dropped it!

2004-05-17T23:41:00.000+10:00

ANGRY.

Once in a while a story comes along that really REALLY pisses me off. I'm sure most of you have seen in the news about the six Australian army soldiers who thought it would be most sporting of them to kill a litter of kittens.

These guys are actual Army soldiers. They're not kids, not recruits, not Army Reserve. One of them is 26 years old. And on Easter Saturday, they got pissed in their comfy little barracks, and decided to drag a kitten behind a motorbike before running the poor thing over in a 4WD. Did you like the sound it made fellers, as it died? Did it make you feel fucking TOUGH? LIKE MEN???

Fucking assholes. And what about the rest of the litter of kittens, when you decided to pour fuel on them and watch them burn to death in agony? How did THAT sound? I bet that made you feel even tougher.

Well, here's the deal. I'm so FUCKING mad right now. If any one of you that did this ever reads this, or anyone out there that agrees with what they did was in any way, shape or form acceptable, drop me a line and I would love the chance to fucking tow YOU behind a motorbike before pouring lighter fluid on you.

And on a more rational front, why the FUCK are they still in the Army? The Army thinks this is fine? Condones this behaviour by their full time enlisted men? Apparently so. From what I can gather, the only fines imposed were by the Townsville criminal court. So this is the calibre we're sending off to Iraq, and the Army is trying to tell us that OUR soldiers are squeaky clean over there? That the same behaviour condoned by the Army at home in the horrific killing of kittens, would be condoned over in Iraq, where pressures are greater, and the enemy is real? That these types would not torture and kill innocent people, when they perceived them to be "evil"?

Kudos to the RSL, for echoing my beliefs, and telling these six fuckers that they have brought shame upon what I had always believed to be an exceptional fighting force. The Army, however, do not seem to share the RSL's concerns.

Extra kudos to the RSPCA, who - when told that the six men would do 100 hours community service in their organisation - replied "We do not want these men anywhere near our animals. We have nothing they can do that we would feel comfortable with".

Rant over. Breathe, Matt, breathe.

2004-05-13T16:44:00.000+10:00

Catches thieves just like flies.

Last night was interesting. Right up in the top corner of my roof and wall there had camped one of those nasty big hairy spiders, the light brown ones, that come out of the grass and love to hang out in your house. The ones that scare the living shit out of you because they’re all legs and attitude, but probably won’t do as much biting as the little unassuming black ones.

Now I’m not particularly phobic about spiders the way some people are. One of those people is Baker. She absolutely freaks when she sees one, which is fair enough. If there’s one around, I know it’s me that’s got to deal with it. Once she was having a shower and there was one on the tiles behind her that she hadn’t noticed. Instead of exclaiming and pointing, which would have led to me wearing Baker as a hat, I told her to shut her eyes because I had a surprise. I lent forward and gave her a big wet smacker on the lips, and at the same time, Mr. Spider went ni-nis under the back of my hand. She didn’t know til later what had happened!

Anyway, the problem with this spider was that it was right near the roof, and my place has these cathedral ceilings, ie you need go-go-gadget arms to get to it. So we have this massive bed railing thing with a hook on it, for dusting and changing light globes and stuff like that. So, carefully, carefully, I pushed the end of this thing up to this big fucker, to see if he would grab hold of it and I’d usher him outside.

So here’s me, arms extended, 10 foot + pole in the air, wobbling away, I’m sure you can picture it. Picture THIS: The spider, in a moment of panic, freaks and jumps. I think he may have been bungying on a stream of web. Spidey lands directly on my upturned face.

He’s about half the size of my face, and starts scrambling madly across it and into my hair. I can still feel the movement across my lips. *shudder*

At this stage, after a moment of heart-stopping inability-to-move, I’m freaking. Absolute animal instinct, fight-or-flight, flailing of arms, nothing remotely rational about it. I may or may not have been squealing like a schoolgirl at a Ricardo Martin concert. In my mad brushing of my hair with my fingers, I propel Spidey across the room again, and he scuttles off. I can picture him running back to his Spidey mates and saying “Did you HEAR that guy? Haha! Now, am I in the club, or what?”.

The worst thing about it is how twitchy you are after something like that. Anything brushes your leg, you freak. If anyone in Canberra heard a low thumping noise last night, it was my heart!

2004-05-12T17:13:00.000+10:00

Psych labs!

As a first year psych student, in order to pass my first year units I need to complete six hours of guinea pig work. That is, if the PhD students need someone to participate in their studies, we're it! Today I took part in my first one. Woo!

I sat down in this little brick cubicle and answered questions on a computer in a little simulation to do with communication over the internet. It was pretty interesting actually! Let's see, what else have I been up to? Nah, not much! I'm still at work. The drama with Optus continues - we have received the phone back again, but the problem is still there. They didn't bother to fix it. It's getting worse and worse, and it's driving my totally Miss Daisy! Thats a rather witty rhyming slang.

I know what Cape Schank means too, before you say anything.

2004-05-11T11:39:00.000+10:00

Check out me new pad!

I changed into some new duds for winter. Do you like? It makes me look sofis- sophis- ... all learny and stuff. Blogger has actually improved a lot of stuff so I'm looking at getting better at this.

While I think of it, two of the people I most respect in the blogging community have reached blog crisis point. You'll both know who you are, and I hope if you read this, you'll know that all the people who read your blogs enjoy what you write and hope you feel better about things soon!

Anyway...

Well, I just got back from a delightful weekend in Perth, the shortest I’ve ever spent there in one go. Flew in Friday afternoon, came back Sunday night, in order to go to a wedding but not miss work or uni.

The big thing I noticed this time round, on all the legs of my flights, and all my wife’s flights (she flew separately), is a bizarre desire by the seat allocation drones at Qantas to cram us all into seats next to each other, and leave big swathes of empty seats. I remember how they used to try and get you an empty seat between yourself and someone else, especially if you were a single traveller. Seems those days are dead and buried!

As soon as the flights took off and the seat belt light was switched off, there was this mad scramble of people going for all the empty seats. Very strange, and probably not good for customer relations! But I did notice that Qantas is going back to its old way of having semi-decent food, and handing out menu cards and things like that. Probably to establish a difference between it and Jetstar.

Anyone out there taller than me? Not hard, I'm 5'11". But *MY* knees are jammed into the seat in front of me. I have no idea how anyone taller than me suffers it. I still don't know how I did that 19 hour flight to Vancouver last year. I remember losing my mind, and the people sitting next to me were my best friends by the end of it.

2004-05-05T16:37:00.000+10:00

Movie tastes.

I was thinking today, that every so often a movie comes along that is critically acclaimed, and people rave about it, but to some people it just doesn't work! So in order to boost my flagging circulation, I'm going to ask a question to you all. What movie that you have seen that's supposed to be fantastic by nearly everyone's standards, but just bored you to tears?

I mean it's one thing to dislike a crappy movie, like if you went to see Gigli or something. But I find it really interesting that movies I absolutely love sometimes don't have an effect on other people. Take Shawshank Redemption, for example, one of my favourite movies of all time. I met a girl who hated it, and I just don't get how she could possibly have! I guess it might have been the lack of female characters, and that is what she liked in a movie.

The one that springs to mind for me is Magnolia. I sat through that entire fucking movie, right to the end, and I just dont get why people like it. Not my cup of tea, obviously! To a lesser extent ( because I think most people think it IS shit) Pearl Harbour, too. I am a big fan of WW2 movies and this one bit so bad, it was almost as lame as Windtalkers.

John Woo, to me, has the "touch of shit". Anything he puts his name to, even if it looks good, I'm gonna hate. I think because the most important thing for me in a movie is plot, and Woo seems to surgically remove plot from his movies in favour of more explosions and slow-mo stunts. Like that one he made recently, Paycheck. In an interview, he admitted he'd never read the book, and hated sci-fi. Then leave it alone and go back to your Hong Kong fight scenes, you hack!

2004-05-04T15:40:00.000+10:00

50 FirstDates.

I went along last night to the movies, and saw the new Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore movie 50 First Dates. My rating was "Ehhhh". But man, oh, man, Drew Barrymore is fantastic!

I was asked recently by a friend who my favourite actresses were, looks-wise. I'm usually more into dark-haired girls, probably because I come from a blonde family, so I usually list Jennifer Connolly, Salma Hayek and Monica Belluci.

Drew, you're the best.

2004-05-01T23:12:00.000+10:00

The blog when you're not having a blog.

Remember your favourite shows when the writers were on strike, and suddenly there were these episodes that were a hash of all the previous shows? Well, my inner writer is on strike, so instead of entertaining you with some inane rant or interesting story about my furniture, I'll direct you to some funny, but serious websites I've happened across.

The first is Imaginary Girlfriends. Hell, why stop at a girlfriend? I want an imaginary life. But I'd probably end up being an accountant or something.

The other one is Operation Take One For the Country. That's where these girls go into a military bar and pick up some poor guy who looks like he couldnt score in a rub 'n' tug, and give him what for, 'cos he's going to wawh.

I think they're both serious too. Which is what made me laugh!

2004-04-30T13:43:00.000+10:00

Furniture!

Yesterday all our new furniture arrived! We got some great stuff, courtesy of buying a $15,000 Hyundai instead of a $25,000 Falcon. It's opportunity cost, you know. I think I studied that once. My commerce degree was a long time ago!

First off, we got a great "buffet" to go against the wall. Now, as a home owner, I can tell you that a buffet is the final straw in the whole home owner thing. Once you've bought a buffet, there's no going back. But as buffets go, it's a nice one. Oooh, and so much room to put stuff! What are we going to do with the leaning tower of boxes underneath the stairs??

We also got one of those great 5x5 square dining tables, made out of a fantastic redwood. It's big, it's sturdy, and you could host an army around it. Or a D&D game!! Haha, RSW injoke there. If you're not "in", get reading. There are eight seats, a newish style covered in that suede look. The colour is "saddle". Now, thats not a boy colour at all. It's tan. That's a boy colour. "Camel", "chocolate", "dusk", they're girl colours.

The piece of resistance (hee hee) is our new lounge suite. They look great!! They are "espresso" (read: dark brown) faux suede, and I am very proud of them! I am so hip now. I used to not be hip, but I'm fairly hippy with my new faux suede. I want to show everyone my new stuff! I asked the bus driver to come back and have a look but he called the police.

Nothing else to report. I'm going to the North bar in Civic tonight to catch up with a mate or two. They have all these different flavours of vodka! But beware the chili one, it will remove your pubic hair. That's a long story, too.

Have a nice weekend, all the readers! (Both of you!)

2004-04-29T14:00:00.000+10:00

My SECRET.

I'm in a fairly apologetic, come-clean mood, and so I thought today's interesting blog would be about something I don't talk about very much. You see, I went through, well, a stage. During high school, and well into my twenties. And, well, I still crave it now and then.

I played Dungeons and Dragons.

There, I said it. It's out in the open. Not only that, though, I was crazy about it! Used to love it! I'm not talking about "let's kill ourselves and come back as our characters" crazy, but pretty into it. It was a fantastic mind-challenger and a way to socialise in a very strict religious boys school that I attended. As a bit of a contradiction, my other outlet was rugby and hockey, and I was crazy about that, too.

An interesting side note was the fact that someone in the Church decided that we were "devil worshipping" by playing D&D, and tried to ban us from playing it. It was this crap, as well as some other extremely dubious "decisions" and my belief in natural selection that finally turned me into an agnostic.

One of my old D&D buddies sent me a little cartoon. I'd put it up here, but I'm kinda on Blog-Lite, and can't put pictures up. I also haven't worked out how to do stuff like blogrolling either, so those people that have links to me, thank you! I appreciate it! And I will link back when I have the time to learn how to do it! Anyway, the cartoon was of two loserish looking guys rolling dice, with one saying to the other one "Yay! Yay! I slayed the red dragon! I slayed - we're never gonna get laid, are we?".

It cracked me up! Although might not have when I was 16. D&D, and some of the other role playing games, tested my mind and opened my imagination in ways that nothing else did. I've noticed that my friends who I used to play these games with have moved on to some pretty dramatic jobs in their selected fields, from IT to Federal Government, teaching, science and business. They are still the most open-minded of my friends, and the ones I continue to have the most respect for and the most in common with as I begin my slide into my thirties.

By contrast, my old sports friends and other related friends are doing stuff like furniture removal, dope smoking, and jail time. The guys that would gently rib me about my D&D (fairly gently, I was a fucking mammoth at high school) and tell me it was a waste of time, are the ones struggling in Australian society where change is good and closed-mindedness is bad, where penne arribiata and tom yum goong have replaced snags and chips, and where a +5 broadsword is an absolute must when you're - ah. yeah.

Australian society hasn't changed that much, though. Australian scientists have made more advances towards cracking the cancer mystery in the last 12 months that ever before, and I don't know their names. But six rugby players can fuck a girl six ways from Sunday in a public place and turn up for their police interviews three hours late and in thongs, and they don't even get their cocaine allowance docked.

Sporting fraternity, give yourself a Hopoate from me.

2004-04-27T13:59:00.000+10:00

I'm super, thanks for asking.

I had a great three days in Melbourne! There was lots of catching up, eating good food and drinking red wine. My parents have moved to the Mornington Peninsula and so I spent most of it there. There was a shopping day on Bridge Road to be had, and we found some nice stuff. All in all, a nice time!

We drove, and the trip back along the Hume was comfortable and not too bad. The trip down, however, was a bit of a nightmare. We hadn't had much sleep due to an eventful night the night before, and we left at 5.30 in the morning. Along the Victoria coast, however, most of the highway was washed out, and we didnt make much time! 9.5 hours later, we limp into Mornington Peninsula with sense of humour barely intact! All's well that ends well, however!

So it's back to work, yay. And uni is back this week, so I'll be a busy boy again.

As for Optus, we got the phone back and it wasn't fixed. So back we go again for another round. Sometimes I really wonder where the fuck they get these retards from. No, not retards. I have respect for retards.

2004-04-23T15:39:00.000+10:00

Birthday!

It's my birthday! Happy day! Today I've racked up being in the same cage with, and petting, three cheetahs to my experience CV. Despite a bit of nervousness (sphincter factor five!!!) I had an absolute blast!

It's not pub time yet, but I slipped and fell on a Little Creatures ale just then. Merry Bath Day all! Wooo!

2004-04-21T14:31:00.000+10:00

Lend me some sugar, I *AM* your neighbour!

For anyone who has been following the struggle I have had with Optus - a big cheers Farnsworth "Good news everyone!". After listing my complaint with a great website, Not Good Enough Optus finally called me back and got my phone fixed, with a profuse apology and a substantial credit on my bill. That's a great resolution, Optus, thank you, but why did it take an outside factor to get you to move your ass? I can definitely recommend the website to anyone who has a genuine grievance with a company and is having trouble getting resolution. Thanks, Grover, for your introduction to NGE at my most frustrated hour!

Friday is my one hundred and eleventy first birthday! Yay! I'm going to be at the Durham for most of the evening, in Green Square, Kingston, so, everyone, if you're in the area and would like to say hello, I'd love to grunt and wave vaguely in your direction. Hah, only kiddin' Ollie, would be nice to meet more people from around here, so pop in and say hi. Look for a fat guy with short blond hair in a brown T-shirt, which is probably what I'm gonna wear on the night.

Also, re: recent posts. I've been branching out in my coffee. Red Belly Black isn't as bad as I thought. And I enjoyed a lunch there today! Also, Cascade recently won something like the world's best lager competition. Yay!

2004-04-20T11:37:00.000+10:00

Fat fuck!

So I'm walking along the street in a popular area of Perth one night with some friends of mine, enjoying a nice night out. We're walking along and I'm closest to the road, and this car loan of young guys, pissed as newts (full as a fat chick's socks!) came trundling past, shouting abuse at passers-by. You know, as you do. When they reached me, they, after careful consideration, shouted "FAT FUUUCK!". For those who haven't met me, I'm a bit err curvy. I'm not stop-and-stare, break down the front wall of the house to get me to hospital type obese, but I've definetly got "presence". Gut presence. :)

So some of my friends bristle, but I laugh, really loudly, and that placates them. I dont often lose my temper. I think that my friends think I'm doing the whole "laugh loudly but cry inside" thing. But here's the deal, and this is a ripper. I've seen something that the other guys haven't.

There's a red light, a fairly protracted one, just up the road. And just after they've yelled at me, they've had to come to a complete halt for the lights. It takes me like 10 strides to reach the car, and I hide my smile, and arrive at the car. I say "All right, who wants to chat?". They stare ahead, not meeting my gaze. The guy that yelled at me winds his window up, followed by the others. I knock on the window and enquire into whether, in fact, they are pussies, and only like to yell from car windows. The only activity inside the car is the driver haranguing his passengers about what he perceived to be the impending bending of his hotted up Commodore.

I can just picture all four heads, baseball caps on, staring straight ahead, while I'm standing next to the car, discussing their anti-social behaviour. Wouldn't even look at me, slunk lower and lower into their seats. Ah, male testosterone. Girls, you'll never understand.

Fat fuck wins again!

2004-04-19T12:07:00.000+10:00

... that I created when I was a kid to make up for a lack of control.

When I was younger, I got a job as a bartender working in a popular bar in Washington DC. This bar was in the middle of the diplomatic district and was frequented by a lot of foreign workers hoping for a taste of home. I think this place had, like, a thousand different types of beer or something, from almost every country in the world. It was one of the most interesting jobs I ever had.

And it taught me a bit about beer, too. I learnt two things when I was there, that Australian wine is amongst the best in the world, if not THE best (and yes, that includes France), and Australian beer is amongst the worst in the world. At least it used to be until recently, when the "boutique" market arrived en masse.

I went to the first beer-tasting that Chuck Hahn did about five years ago, when he was introducing his Malt Shovel Brewery beers to the market. He's actually an industrial chemist, or a chemical engineer or something. When they tested the most popular beers in the Australian market back then, eg. Fosters, VB, XXXX, Swan, Best, stuff like that, they found that the beers differed in composition by only two per cent. That's all! They're over-carbonated, and the ingredients are awful. Serving beer ice-cold kills the flavour, and thats why the only two countries in the world to serve their beer at that temperature are Australia and the USA. Have you tried drinking VB when it's warm? I'm turning green just thinking about it.

Even if you go to similar countries to Australia, like New Zealand or South Africa and taste their mass produced stuff, it tastes miles better than what we produce here. Thank god for Tasmanian beer, for Coopers Ale, for Chuck Hahn, and for all the boutique breweries that have started up and give us a chance to buy something that's in between VB (taste the domestic violence!) and a $60 case of Heineken. Redback is probably one of the best wheat beers you can buy, anywhere.

So that's my slightly educated take on beer. As for my personal favourites? There are a few. My favourite hands down is proper Czech pilsner. When I went to Prague a few years back, you could buy it fresh from the pubs, and it was about 50 cents a glass, and it was sublime! For the stuff you can buy here, Pilsner Urquell is the best you get, and it's fantastic.

For a good ale, try Little Creatures, brewed in Fremantle, WA. And if you're ever in Fremantle, go have a beer there, with the massive kettles they have, it's a blast! Other favourites include Beamish Red and Caffreys for Irish beer, Newcastle Brown for English. And a good lager, more appealing to the Australian palate, is anything made in Tasmania, like Cascade or Boags.

But really, it's all about taste, and that means personal taste. Less and less people are drinking beer these days as girls start drinking "alco-pop" premixes, and guys switch to spirits. My advice, if you want to try it, is to find a nice summer's day, sit under a tree, get a cold beer and sip it slowly.

Beer lecture over. There will be a quiz next week.

Anyone else got any favourites?

2004-04-16T14:08:00.000+10:00

I'd like to help you son, but you're too young to vote.

Still no dice with Optus. The nice chap I spoke to, who insisted he'd call me back by the end of the day, surprise suprise, never call me. I've listed my issues with a great site, Not Good Enough and hopefully they can help me out a bit. I've had bad service before, but this goes beyond just someone having a bad day, it's my belief that my obstacles here are procedural, and inherent with Optus as a company.

Anyone else have any issues with Optus? I've been neutral to them before, they've never been majorly good at customer service but never had any issues, either. Time to move my mobile, Baker's mobile, home phone, long distance phone and internet to the competitor. Anybody recommend anyone thats anything above "crap" level?

2004-04-15T11:21:00.000+10:00

Cussstomer service?

Baker has a dead Nokia. It died about three months ago, when we were nine months into our contract, which is with a certain telecommunications company called - well, it starts with O. And has animals on the ads. The dead Nokia is a fault with the screen, which is dead. Apparently with the 6610s, it's a pretty common complaint. Qual-i-tay! So for three months now, we've been trying to get it repaired.

What we're s'posed to do is this. We bought the phone through the company's O Direct service, ie through telephone sales. In order to get the phone fixed, we need to get them to fax through the proof of purchase to the O World store in Civic. The store in Civic refuses to even look at the phone before they get the proof of purchase.

Herein lies the problem. For three months, I have tried six times now, count 'em, six, to get the proof of purchase faxed through to the store. There is some major issue with their fax department.

Call 1: Me, pleasant, ask to get it faxed to the store. The store doesn't receive it.
Call 2: Me, pleasant, ask to get it faxed to me at work. I never receive it.
Call 3: Baker, less pleasant, asks to get it faxed to HER work. She never receives it.
Call 4: Me, firm but polite, ask to get it sent to the store. Not received!
Call 5: Me, more firm, still polite, to the store, please. Girl tells me this time, it will definitely go, and she'll call me with the confirmation personally. No fax, no call.
Call 6: Me, barely polite, seven days left on the warranty, been paying three months of handset charges for a dead handset, ask what the hell is going on.

All I get is "This time it will definitely go through". So I call customer service, and ask to be put through to complaints. They refuse to put me through to complaints. I explain the issue to the guy and they've told me they will resolve it before close of business today. I'll keep you posted, but chances are this company is going to lose my business, meaning my internet, my local phone, my long distance and our two expensive-plan mobiles.

My real issue is this. I'm a pretty pleasant guy, and I like to help, and I hate to be rude to people, because I can't stand rude people myself. But I consider myself to be a pretty strong-willed person, and a lot of people mistake politeness and friendliness in today's society as being weak. Especially in a male.

Why the fuck do people that rock the boat, are rude, obnoxious and act like a prick, get the results? Why is that the only way to get results most of the time? If that's the way I have to act, then fuck it. I'm not lowering myself to the lowest common denominator standard. There has to be a different way.

Surely?

2004-04-14T11:15:00.000+10:00

Gather round, and I'll tell you a tale.

A repulsive tale that will put you off your - well, anything that you're doing.

In lieu of anything exciting happening recently (apart from receiving the third boxed set of the West Wing and trying to convince Baker to sleep instead of watch all 24 episodes back to back), I've taken stock of what my blogger mentors have told me recently, and done the ol' trot out a funny anecdote routine.

I have a good mate in Perth who I used to do a lot with. I'll call him AM. This guy works in I.T. but I swear he should have gone into music. In the nineties this guy knew more about music, mainly alternative stuff, than anyone I knew, or have known since. His CD collection is, I think, more than two or three thousand strong. Let me regale you with a particular conversation I remember, which was repeated with many a person at many a time with AM.

AM: This band is great, I just got this CD off import. I think they're going to be the next big thing.
Me: Absolute crud. This is crap. They guy sounds whiny. You're an idiot. Drink your vodka and shut up.
AM: No, really, mark my words. I really think they're going to be big, and I'm looking forward to their next album.
Me: Shut up fool, and what sort of stupid name is that anyway?

The band was Smashing Pumpkins.

I do have a point. In my wild and impetuous youth, my wildousness and impetuousity knew no bounds! This was at the grand stage where the Illusion was the be all and end all of cocktails. In suburban Perth, anyway. So AM and I make up a great shaker full of this stuff, but we're already a bit messy. The training wheels had come off a few hours back and we were pretty happy-wobbly. We line up about 15 shots, and AM says "Okay! Race you to the middle!", and we start shooting this stuff, him starting from the right and me from the left.

I'm swallowing these things as fast as they can go down my neck. I've never really been one for shots. When I was eighteen I got pretty pissed and did a shot of tequila into my eye. Accidentally, not for the comedy factor. Anyway, out of the corner of my eye, I see AM slow down and make some funny noises. A HA! Victory is only about 120mls away at this point. As I hurry through the last of the shots I see AM step back in defeat. I get to the last shot and in victory, I turn to him and gleefully scoff it down.

The damn thing is warm.

His eyebrows and my eyebrows raise at exactly the same time.

AM had reached that particular shot, and the thing had bounced. His stomach had engaged in some kind of enforced blockade, and it came back up and had settled back into the shot glass.

Which was then launched with great gusto down my throat.

Oh, how my friend laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. You know when you're laughing so hard, it's a silent laugh, and no more sound is coming out, but your face is red and your eyes are watering and your mouth is still open? I "looked back on it and laughed".

Anyway, I was feeling a bit wistful today and AM, dude, this one's for you! Thanks for the good times :)

2004-04-13T11:55:00.000+10:00

Underwhelming, not like a bee sting, more like an itch that never needs a scratch.

This week's restaurant review is brought to you by, unfortunately, Tosolini's in Manuka.

I can't believe how popular this place is. They are always busy, but in my opinion, they are one of the last bastions of "It doesn't matter what we serve, our location will guarantee us the clientele". In the past, I've seen this a bit in Manuka, but luckily with some great restaurants sticking to their guns, that has all but changed.

We've been to Tosolini's before and the service was pretty shoddy. Apparently they've just changed hands though and we were interested to try it out. The last time we went, we were sitting next to (very close to, they pack people in) a very cool looking couple who were having a fight. The guy obviously knew the waiter or the cook or something, who came out and chatted with them, but here's the thing. They were seated 15 minutes after us, but got served their meals before us, and the guy's meal was the same thing I ordered and it was twice the size of my portion. What the fuck!

This time around, the first thing we saw when we walked in was a lady sending her meal back (politely), saying it was inedible. Not a good start. We were seated and our wine was opened, but freakily, we weren't given any menus(?). I say freakily, because THREE waiters were doing stuff with tables around us, and nobody noticed. So 15 minutes later, we actually get up and ask for a menu. We are treated like we asked for a hot towel or something, with a confused expression.

So we finally order, and the food is utterly underwhelming. Nothing wrong with it, per se, but with the calibre of other restaurants in Manuka and Kingston, it was very plain food. I had a duck risotto and lamb meatballs, and neither was any good, quite frankly. Especially not for the prices they were charging.

Okay, so we're ready to write off the average food and bizarre service as a bad mistake and head home. And here's the clincher. When we get the bill, there's a 15% surcharge on it, for being a public holiday. WHAT THE FUCK? That's like an enforced $10 tip tucked onto our bill. I've worked in the hospitality industry before, and been to a shitload of restaurants. I've even been to one on Christmas Day. And I've NEVER been charged a surcharge, excepting maybe in one of those cheap chain restaurants where it's very obvious that they will charge it. That's the thing. Nowhere was it written, and at no time were we told, there would be this big fuck-off surcharge.

And it's Easter Monday, for chrissake. It's not like it's Good Friday or Christmas Day. So my restaurant rant for this place: Go for the "to be seen" factor, don't go for a cheap meal, and don't go for a good meal. Cross the road to Bellucci's, or even better, try the Deep Dish or Foreign Affair around the corner.

2004-04-11T00:25:00.000+10:00

Operation Go To Melbourne for Easter is cancelled, men.

Well, my bags were packed. Up until Thursday evening I was still going to go to Melbourne, and then it all fell apart. Let me bore you, chums, with the details.

First of all, do you remember how one of my charming neighbours bundled my cat, Moo, off to the RSPCA? Well, the poor little feller has cat flu. Apparently, according to our vet, it's endemic at the RSPCA, and there are so many strains that the vaccination doesn't cover them all. Fortunately, if treated, it's really only dangerous for kittens.

I think I know the arsewipe that took Moo to the RSPCA, too. You see, we live in a little complex of about 18 townhouses, all pretty close with a horseshoe driveway linking us all. No common walls, but pretty chummy. It's Cat Central. About 12 of the houses have cats, and the whole place is ruled by a cat named "Big Ginge". There are a couple of other contenders, but mainly it's all his. Two of our cats are scared shitless of him, and Moo just ignores him, in a manner similar to how he ignores cars if he's lying in the visitor's car park, and they have to park next to him instead. Idiot cat. Hey, this update is getting pretty catty. Must be cos I just read TJ's blog, and Mel's too. To get to the point, there are about 4 places that have dogs, and I don't think they're cat people. I caught one guy throwing a stick at Moo for his dog to fetch, hoping the dog would chase him or something. It didn't work, I shouted "HEY!", and he slunk off like the cowardly prick he is.

But anyway, the little guy needs antibiotic paste stuffed down his throat twice daily, so Baker offered to stay behind, get some study done and make sure he was okay. Give me a chance to catch up with my parents. But then came the phone call.

Me: "Baker can't come. She has to mind Moo, so it will be just me". Mum: "That's so disappointing. How about we just postpone it instead, and you come down Anzac Day weekend?". Me: (Nothing, except for the wind deflating from my sails).

My own mother wants to see my wife more than she wants to see me. Eh, looking back on it, I'd probably want to see Baker more than me too.

Merry Easter everyone! I hope you're making the most of the long weekend!

2004-04-08T15:18:00.000+10:00

Comments!

The comments Enetation thing is working, but sometimes it appears bloody slow to update the comment. As far as I can tell, if you post comments, they probably registered but it might take a bit to show up.

Tomorrow I go on my first semi-road trip since this time last year. That one was a bit better, it was from Perth to Canberra. I did it in three days. I would recommend people take four! I was muttering to myself and crying as I came through Wagga at 10pm on the third day, screaming "I JUST WANT TO BE THERE!". I've done the Perth - Eastern States thing about four times now, including a drive up the top end.

This one is just to Melbourne and back, well, to the peninsula there. My passenger is still "definitely yes/definitely no" so I'm not sure if I'm doing it by myself. I don't mind doing it by myself! One of these days I'll post about how, when living in DC and just broken up with my American girlfriend, I got in a car and drove to the other side of the country (Seattle). Then to LA. Then back to DC. By myself.

Current song in my head, broadcast by the FBI via my fillings: "Lovin' you, it's easy 'cos you're beautiful, na na na etc"

2004-04-07T16:38:00.000+10:00

Stinkiness.

Firstly, I think there's something wrong with my comments thingy-whatsit! I can't read the comments. I'll try to fix it. Seems like my ol' bamboo poles and snot site is coming apart, and I might have to move sooner rather than later!

So it's occurred to me that I don't rant enough. Looking at my favourite co-bloggers, they all approach it from a different standpoint, and want to "accomplish" different things with their sites. Some simply list what they've been up to. Some ask for comment on topical issues. Some try to entertain with witticisms, and some rant their ass off about the world in general.

I've never been much of a ranter. I've always quite liked the world, and I've found that you make your own luck, and confidence will reward you more than it bites you. Although some days it doesn't feel like that, does it, faithful readers, huh? Heh. *Attempt at empathy*

Anyhoo, having said that, I'm determined to start ranting, and here's where I'll start. Who knows, I might make this a weekly thing, like Matt's Wednesday Rant or something. I...might....syndicate.. *thinks off into space*

Oooh! Anyway, ADD under control. My rant is about smokers. I'm not a smoker. A lot of people close to me smoke though. And in a lot of situations, it doesn't bother me a bit. It shits me that I stink like and ashtray even though I choose not to smoke if I go to a pub, and my hair smells revolting! It REALLY shits me if someone lights up when I am eating. Mother-pus-buckets.

But my real rant, when i get down to it, is smokers, especially girls, who duck out for a smoke in a work environment, and PLASTER themselves with Impulse or some other cheap stinky shit to try and cover it up. Honey, you aint EVER gonna be able to cover that smell up. People know you've been smoking, and when you walk past, you smell like a pub floor at two am.

And when you spray yourself, it gags us. GAGS. You know that smell when someone's done a godawful shit in the toilet and has really lent on the ol' Ambi Pur to try and mask the smell, and in the end it just smells like you've eaten a whole lemon or some roses or something, and THEY'VE gone through your system instead.

So. How did I do? Professional ranters, would you class this as angsty? I worked myself into a fervour for it, you know. I think some of the spittle hit my workmate.

2004-04-06T16:16:00.000+10:00

Happenings.

So it's winter now. Its dark in the evenings and stuff, and I need a jacket at night, or at least a jumper and stuff. And I smelt woodsmoke as I walked from my uni to the car last night. No more sweat for this pudge-machine! Winter is Matt's preferred climate.

I'm heading down to Melbourne for Easter. Anyone need a ride? Let me know if you do. I'll probably be going down by myself. I think. In a vague attempt to avoid the crowds on the roads, I'll leave at sparrows fart on Friday morning and come back Sunday night. Me parents are down there and I'm really looking forward to seeing them in their new place. They moved from Perth in January!

Oh, er, witty stuff. Ummmm, anyone else think that Canberra drivers are crap? Cos I do. I think that the condition of the roads is inversely proportionate to the ability of the drivers on them.

Topical AND funny. Neither topical NOR funny. Tick one.

2004-04-05T14:26:00.000+10:00

Nationalism.

The central claims of nationalism are that: first the "people" in politics are best understood as a defined and bounded group with a common history, language and tradition; and, second, that a "nation" has a unique claim to be considered a legitimate political basis for sovereignty - greater than older bases such as "empire", "dynastic right", "theocracy".

For the last two days I have been eating, breathing and shitting this stuff.

2004-04-03T16:39:00.000+10:00

Canberra in autumn.

It's a quiet Saturday afternoon, and I'm starting to write a long overdue essay on European nationalism. I don't mind it, although I should've started it a hell of a lot earlier! I've got a lot of references and I'm not scared to use them! This is my first major essay this year, meaning it's the first major essay I've written in about 10 years. If I fuck it, at least I'll learn from my mistakes!

Anyway, I'm sitting here looking out of my second story window, at a massive tree that is turning a beautiful shade of red, because it's my favourite Canberra season, autumn! I come from Perth, where autumn is a pretty abstract thing. There are no turning leaves, and no "softening" of summer into winter. In Perth, it's stinking hot until someone up there decides enough is enough, and flicks a switch, and it's cold, and wet.

People who don't live in Perth don't understand fully the strength of the Perth summer. The main thing is the cloudless skies day, after day, after day. It's not unusual to go for three months through summer and not see a drop of rain - I remember after a particularly dry summer, when the first rain came, it hit the electricity cables which were so dry, they actually sparked and caused massive blackouts!

So when I see the absolutely incredible colours in Canberra during this season, I am glad I live here. There are things I love about Canberra, and things I despise. I love the location, with the ranges in the background and that view you get when you crest Hindmarsh Drive coming towards Woden.

I love the snow on the caps in winter, and I love those crisp winter days you get with the blue skies!

I love the fact that I drive past cows and horses on the way to work, and yet I am only 10 minutes away.

I love that I can go to selected pubs and bars and meet people from all around the world, and intelligent people who work in all manner of jobs.

I love the Australian National University and its outlook on learning, and the beauty of its campus.

I love that Canberra has world-class restaurants in its midst, if you know where to look!

I love that I can park in the middle of the city for $4 a day, and that peakhour is not an issue, and that I can go to the movies without having my car stolen, and that uncrowded beaches are less than two hours away, as is skiing and snowboarding in winter.

Okay, love-fest over. Stay tuned when I am in an angry state of mind, for the things I hate about Canberra!

2004-04-02T15:15:00.000+10:00

Rock Salt

A couple of nights ago, I went out to dinner again! And believe me, this was great. One of the finest places to eat in Canberra, and if you're a real creative food lover like me perhaps the finest, is Rock Salt in the Hawker shops. Also a fantastic wine list, AND they're BYO if you prefer that, which I do! Nicer to pluck something out of your collection at home, I feel.

The prawn and chilli butter risotto to start was fantastic. The prawns were plentiful and fresh and huge, and the risotto was a perfect consistency. I'm a real risotto fan and this was just great!

But the real surprise was my main course. WOW. It was a bit unusual and I was a little trepidantorous when I ordered it, but it paid off. It was kangaroo, seared and served with bok choi, and get this, a slice of beetroot and macadamia cake, and a poached pear. But believe me, the slight sweetness of the cake and the pear really matched the beautiful gamey taste of the roo. That kind of thing I think takes pure talent in the kitchen. I almost married the chef.

If you're into desserts, Rock Salt is a definite. They have a pastry chef who purely concentrates on the desserts, and there are between 6 and 10 choices on any given night. I had this french pastry which was glazed, with a blueberry compote, homemade vanilla bean ice cream, and also blood orange curd on the side.

Can you tell I love my food? I love my food.

Rock Salt is genius, I'd recommend it to anyone. I've been there four times and each time, I have not been able to fault a single thing. Not the wine, not any of the three courses each time, and definitely not the service, which is the best in Canberra. Prices are around $15 for entree and $20-25 for main, roughly.

PS I realise now in my coffee post I was coming off sounding like a hard-nosed alcoholic poo-pooing people for putting coke with their scotch.

PPS I'm going to have red wine tonight, and perhaps sing karaoke with gusto.

2004-04-01T23:18:00.000+10:00

Arse.

Did you ever have a day when you just sit down and despair for the human race? That you just have to walk outside the building and turn your face into the wind and exhale "Holy fuuuuck."? When your local coffee shop ladies joke with you like every other day and call you "Elvis", but this time, you just can't even squeeze out a smile from the dazed look on your face?

Some days at work are better than other days at work.

2004-03-30T15:35:00.000+10:00

Coffee Wars: A New Hope

So I work in Civic, right. And Civic is full of office workers. And office workers run on that nectar of the gods that I lovingly call coffee. Me and coffee go way back, and it's not some crush either, this is true love. You know that ole' line "I like my men like I like my coffee"? Well, Baker likes hers ground up and in the freezer.

Anyway, there is this debate raging at work, as to the best coffee in Civic. Anyone out there got any ideas? At the moment, because I work on the ANU side of Civic right now, the war is being fought, within my organisation anyway, between three.

One is the obvious, it's Red Belly Black. These people take their coffee seriously (as do I). But I guess it must be personal preference, because I'm not the biggest fan. And their lunches aren't that spectacular either, sorry to say!

The second is Kaldi. There are a few of these around, they're like little stalls that have been set up in the lobbies of big office buildings. Rumour has it that they were set up by some office workers or accountants or someone, because it was hard to find a decent cup of coffee. Anyway, I don't mind this coffee but again, I think it depends on how you like your coffee. I am a long black drinker, I like it strong and milkless. So without any other flavouring in it, the coffee has to be REALLY to my taste. Kaldi coffee is great, but when served black it has a little oil floating on the top, from the roasting method of the beans I presume.

The third, and my preference, is any place that serves Hansel and Gretel coffee. This is also the preference of my Greek and Italian friends who also like short or long black, so I presume it's the best suited for this purpose. There are a few places around who serve it, one being the Hobart Cafe near Hobart Place.

So a post about coffee. Anyone else know anything good in Canberra city?

PS Latte drinkers, why the fuck do you bother?

2004-03-29T09:17:00.000+10:00

Itchy feet. Not the tinea kind.

Most of you know that I have a strong wanderlust, and get itchy feet relatively regularly. Like now! This weekend I remembered that one year ago exactly I was in Gettysburg in Pennsylvania. Man O man, it's like a drug, I guess only other itchy-feeters can understand. Although I have a lot of conversations with people who just don't get the travel thing. They love to stay at home with what they know, and they're take on it is that it's uncomfortable and it makes you homesick. Each to their own I guess.

So anyone know of any decent specials at the moment? I think a week or two in a different country would do me. Seeing as I'm a bit budget conscious at the moment, I've noticed there are to extraordinary deals going. One is to New Zealand, where you can get to Christchurch and have 4 days car hire for under $400 a person. Yow! Another, and one I'm salivating at, is that Hawaiian Airlines have started to fly the Sydney to Honolulu leg themselves, and to launch it, they're offering return flights and 4 nights accom starting at about $550 (plus the ridiculous US taxes). This is all from Sydney, but it's cheap to just drive your car up and leave it at the airport.

I've been to Hawaii twice before, and it's great. (Actually I've been to about 45 of the 50 US states, but I'll bore you with that another time). You get Hawaiiana and Americana all in one. You can choose (depending on the island you go to) to stay in a touristy party zone with great bars and shopping, or a deserted beach somewhere. Or, of course, see a volcano and lava and stuff. I think I just sold myself. Waikiki here I come!

2004-03-27T20:05:00.000+11:00

Contradictions?

It has come to my attention that I am a man of contradictions. I like socialising but hate crowds, I like order but not being ordered, I like raw salmon but not cooked salmon. There's a tits comment there too but I've chosen to be polite.

Anyway recently, Baker (my long-suffering girly wife) and I were able to refinance our home to be able to accommodate a new car, as our Falcon is getting a little long in the tooth - it has a quarter of a million kilometres on it now, mainly from several long road trips around Australia. It has served us well, but it's kinda getting to the stage where things are starting to slip, so it's time to put it out to pasture.

So! What to get to replace it? Nearly everyone in Canberra, if they're after a bargain, goes to the Government auctions to see what's there, and so did we. We nearly got another Falcon, or a Magna, or something like that. We're both used to the comfort of a large car, and the effortlessness of a big six cylinder engine. Our other car is a 1969 Chrysler VF hardtop, with a fat V8, and it's been converted into a soft top (convertible).

So what do we end up getting to go with our Chrysler? A Hyundai Getz, that's what. When I sat down and did the calculations, it's the most practical choice. I dislike small cars, mind you, or I did until I drove this thing. I actually find it pretty comfortable to drive! And holy shit, it costs $30 to fill up! I'd forgotten about that aspect!

So for our bucks, nothing came close. It's got a five year warranty, it's got power everything, it's brand spanking new, and it's miserly. So contradictions? I drive a 5.2 litre V8 and a 1.5 litre 4 cylinder. The Chrysler is almost twice as long as the Getz!

Ya know, I don't think I'm back into blogging mode as well as I thought I was. I started this entry out all good like, and I just re-read it, and it's boring as bat shit :)

ENJOY!!!

2004-03-26T12:14:00.000+11:00

Pizza and red wine.

Last night, on our adventures, Baker and I ended up stumbling on a little place in the Red Hill shops called Pizza Gusto. It's this little joint with a big woodfired pizza oven, lots of outdoor chairs and tables, and some great lounge music playing. The pizzas were great! We ordered one with salami and chilli, and one with ham, artichokes and mushrooms. They also had some more traditional pizzas, which we might try next time. What the hell is chicory anyway???

The bases were completely free from that disgusting oil that the chain stores seem to love, and the toppings were all fresh and of great quality. They averaged at about $15, apart from some of the prawn ones, but i dont think they were much more expensive. Got to try the prosciutto next time! Corkage was three bucks so you can bring your own fave red wine, which we did, and drink it in nice surrounds listening to lounge music. If that sort of thing is your bent - which it not always is for me, but last night, it was perfect.

On another note, one of our cats went missing. His name is Moo, because he's white and has cow splotches on him. He's also one of those male cats who is massive and fearless (well, WAS male, poor little champ), so he's not above turning up at our neighbours' doors and being quite vocal. Unfortunately, he must have pissed off one of our neighbours and they took him to the RSPCA!!! FUCKERS!!! How hard would it have been to do a quick doorknock to see who owned him? Fortunately he was microchipped so the RSPCA called us straight away. So lesson learnt, the chips are worthwhile, people!

And before you ask, he Houdinis (yeah, verb) out of any collar we put on him.

Anyway, if you're in the Weston area and see a large vocal moggy, white with cow splotches, with or without a collar, his name is Moo and he likes food. Any food. And please drop me a line. :)

2004-03-25T11:03:00.000+11:00

Wednesday night rawk.

So last night I went to the Bouncing Souls / Frenzal Rhomb gig at ANU. I had a good time, thanks for asking! It was strange. I still felt a bit under the weather when I went, but coming out, I felt fine. Apart from some ringing in the ears.

A local band, Beanort, was there supporting, and I've seen them around the traps. In my opinion they're one of the more talented local acts in Canberra and with a bit more polish I think they could be signed. Some of the songs were catchy enough to get the crowd moving, and the girls definitely could play guitar!

Bouncing Souls were a disappointment, I have to say. I like their stuff but they had as much stage presence as Bernie from those super ads. I guess it just wasn't their style, and every U.S. punk outfit has just tried to pick fights with the audience, I guess to get them riled up. I saw quite a few people moving away from the stage and going to play pool towards the end of their set so I s'pose I wasn't alone in my thoughts!

Frenzal was, and always has been, a great live act. If you're a Frenzal Rhomb fan and haven't ever seen them live, you're missing out! They pulled out some fine stuff like "Russell Crowe's band is a fucking pile of shit", "Bucket Bong" and classics like "Genuis". My favourites like "Mum changed the locks" and "Fuck off you fucking fuckwit" weren't there, however.

I dragged my lovely wife Baker along to it, and she had a great time. She's a bit of a fireball though, and when she was moshed into a couple of times I had to sort of step in to stop her from going the offender with a "Punch in the face". (Little Frenzal in-joke there, har har).

I hope everyone who has been sick lately, like me, gets better, like me.

2004-03-23T22:43:00.000+11:00

Sick as a proverbial.

So I went to work on Monday feeling great. By 11am, I felt like those Aliens were trying to make contact via the thing they planted in my brain, and it was expanding in size. And obviously that was causing the ingested mutant in my stomach to try and come out through my mouth.

(Okay, so I'm a male, and every sickness is the worst thing that has ever happened)

Actually, it was pretty bad, made worse by the fact that it sorta happened within a couple of hours. I staggered into my boss's office and mumbled something about wanting leave for the day. She stared at me and told me to gome straight away. I can't imagine what interesting colour my face was, a new discovery of a green-grey palette mix I suspect. I know she would think I was a substance abuser if it wasn't for the surprise drug tests they spring on us!

So it's Tuesday night now, 11 at night, and I can't sleep, because I've slept all day. I finally feel human again after actually eating something and keeping it down. And I had a Tim Tam :)

See, Melgareth, I had even less to talk about than you.

2004-03-21T13:01:00.000+11:00

Being bald.

Whatever facets of the gene pool I lucked out on, I have always been proud of a thick mane of blond hair while my male friends battle the dreaded Male Pattern Baldness scourge. They might be better looking than me, or fitter than me, or smarter than me, but dammit, I'm hairy in the RIGHT places!

So why, on a Saturday night two weeks ago, did I suddenly decide to shave it all off? True, I'd had a couple of beers. My original reasoning was that I needed a haircut anyway. I'd seen the ads on TV about the "World's Greatest Shave", to raise funds for the Leukaemia Association (Yeah, American friends, it's supposed to have an A there). They were raising funds, not for treatment, but to specifically help in finding a cure for this horrible thing.

When I was running around bugging people to sponsor me, my workmates were a little bewildered when my answer to the question of "Has your life been touched by cancer?" was "No, nobody close to me". I think they thought that I was being driven by a fire fuelled by a sick family member or friend. I didn't really have an answer to "Why?". I guess I still don't, apart from the fact that I was sick of sitting by and bitching about how cancer was this terrible thing, and not getting off my fat arse and doing anything about it!

People were very generous, and I raised around $800 for the cause. I was proud. Am proud! So it wasn't until when I went to the Hyperdome and got up on the stage they had there that second thoughts really hit. I stared straight at my wife's face when they were removing the offending blondness and watched her go from smiling, to a tight lipped smile, to a hand clapped over her mouth, to moist eyes. I got up and rubbed my head, and it felt weird, and that was about it! It really didn't feel any different.

It's not until I actually see myself in a mirror that I actually freak out. Not having hair changes not only the look of your scalp but also the whole dynamics of your face. I'm sure most of you out there are thinking "Duhh!!", but it didn't really occur to me until I studied myself in the mirror. I haven't had this much of a drastic change in hair since I chopped my shoulder blade-length locks in '97!

If I get asked one more time if I'm in the armed forces, I'll scream. Look at the size of my belly, people. If I'm the front line of defence, all the enemy's got to do is throw a mushroom risotto at me, and Australia is fucked.

2004-03-19T22:03:00.000+11:00

All About I

Hello world, and welcome to Matt. This is my first blogging since my efforts years and years ago when the world was a simpler place! I hope people will excuse the makeshift appearance of my new home; I hope, with some help with more knowledgeabler friends, to move to nicer digs, with PICTURES and COOL stuff.

For those of you who know me, this will be a bit redundant, but for those of you who have stumbled across my site or whose sites I have been polluting with my blogging-by-proxy, I intend for my first real post to be a bit of information about me, until I organise an "about me" page, or something like that.

My name is Matt, and I'm 30 years old. I've been married for one year to a beautiful girl who I absolutely adore. I live in Canberra, but was brought up in Perth. I've also lived in Melbourne, Washington DC, Papua New Guinea and in England. And I almost lived in Canada. I have insatiable wanderlust and have visited about 45 countries at last count.

I work in Canberra for a Federal Government department. To avoid being dooced, or losing my job, I won't ever mention it or allude to it if I can help it. I love my job and it loves me! I work long hours but the actual work level is "feast or famine". I also study at a well known university doing a double degree, Psychology and International Relations. I haven't studied in ten years so it's a bit of a change for me, but I think it's about time I got learned.

I own my own place in the western suburbs of Canberra, and almost lost it in the January bushfires. I got three cats - one is angry, one is weird and one is a bit thick, and they're all as cute as hell. I love me mogs! My interests include music (mainly alternative pop/rock, decent Australian stuff), reading, movies, socialising (read: drinking), travelling, and FOOD. I love to eat out, and nothing impresses me more than a well-prepared meal. I've also got a classic '69 Chrysler that I love pouring money into.

I have blond hair, although I recently shaved it all off to raise money for Leukaemia research. I'm about six foot tall. I'm "cuddly", "husky", "a big teddy bear", that sorta thing. I sometimes wear glasses, sometimes contacts. I smile a lot.

That about covers it for first introductions! I love comments, especially from fellow Canberrans, so feel free! Sorry this first blog is about as witty as the Sunrise crew on a good day, but I promise to do something witty any day now.

2004-03-19T14:12:00.000+11:00

Comments Testing

The testing of the comments has commenced.

2004-03-15T17:34:00.000+11:00

This is just a low-key testing one two three. Update your site already!